Post #10

 

It will drain more obviously but Fenroar could do some mighty damage if he attacks very soon.

Grammar

 

-Blaire Fields, Operative

• 
  
• First post, fifth paragraph: Suddenly, the guide took sharp turn. Don't you mean "Suddenly, the guide took a sharp turn?
  
• Fifth post, second paragraph: Still, there were many that remained, a few taking the risk of staying where they were, wanting to watch the battle. This read awkwardly on account of that extra bit on the end. Wouldn't this have read better if this were split up into two sentences?
  
• Fifth post, eighth paragraph: However, just as quickly as the pain and and paralysis set it did it vanish. You meant in, not "it," I assume. still, better proof reading will help you prevail.
  
• Eleventh post, fifth paragraph: All about her it rained shards of clay... I feel that the word "it" is unnecessary in this sentence, as it seems too wordy with it.
  
• Thirteenth post, seventh paragraph: She had yet been able to even try... This doesn't read right. I'm sure you meant that she had not yet been able to try.
  
• Fifteenth post, fourth paragraph: The sword could of deflected the attack if Blaire had gotten it up in time, but unfortunately the bolt had come too fast and with the only warning being static electricity in the air. There are two problems in this sentence: 1) it seems that you meant could've as in could have instead of "could of," and 2) there's' an "and" that shouldn't be there, and this last part could have been a bit more specific. I'll demonstrate: "But unfortunately the bolt had come to fast, with the only warning being the presence of static electricity in the air."
  
• Fifteenth post, fifth paragraph: For a brief moment, she was dazed, her head reeling. If restructured, this sentence could have one comma less. She was dazed for a moment, her head reeling.

Total errors: 8

So yea, that's all I've got for grammar, Blaire. As for you, Fenroar...

Fenroar

• 
  
• Fourth post, first paragraph: Fenroar asked, rather unfamiliar with the said organization. The word "the" as it's used is unnecessary.
  
• Sixth post, final paragraph: Some people of the crowd began cheering Fenroar noted, treating the battle like a mere sport match. if you thought that you'd needed a comma between "cheering" and "Fenroar," you'd be correct.
  
• Eighth post, first paragraph: It is true. This is a fragment sentence. What is true?
  
• Eighth post, first paragraph: The crowd appeared to have stopped booing Fenroar, cheering him after his attack, which is a relief. Ech... there are two actions in this that are opposed to each other. Should they be following each other? Also, I'm sure you meant "which was a relief," and not "is."
  
• Eighth post, first paragraph: He was booed so far in the battle and for the last one which never actually finished. Run-on sentence. As it stands, there needs to be a comma between "one" and "which," but the sentence should be rewritten altogether, I think. "...in the battle and for his last one?" His last one what?
  
• Tenth post, sixth paragraph: For me to get in close range. This reads like a fragmentary paragraph to me, but this IS his thought process so I suppose I shouldn't complain too much about it?
  
• Tenth post, sixth paragraph: It will drain more obviously but Fenroar could do some mighty damage if he attacks very soon. I concur with Lifio.
  
• Twelfth post, first paragraph: He stared at her direction, still a safe distance from her, but smirked. Now he knows exactly where Blaire is and he is continuing to charge electricity within him soon. Read these two sentences. "..but smirked." In comparison to what? Was something stopping him from smirking? There is also a dissonance of tenses between these two lines. The first sentence is in past tense, and the second is in present tense. In particular, that last line.... eh, let's just say that it looks chewed on. It gives me the impression of two sentences glued together.
  
• Twelfth post, first paragraph: He's now charged his electrical attack to the point that it will severely electrocute Blaire and make her writhe in pain, similar to a taser gun. He is now charged his electrical attack, is he? Maybe instead of using "He's," you should have used "He'd as in "He had."
  
• Twelfth post, third paragraph: Fenroar reacted, holding up the Genesis Sword in the air and attempted to deflect it to the side. "...holding up the Genesis Sword in an attempt to deflect it to one side." This reads better.
  
• Twelfth post, fourth paragraph: When Fenroar is unexpectedly hit, he loses his focus and stops charging electricity. This seems like an orphaned paragraph to me. It's out of place in the whole paragraph.
  
• Twelfth post, fourth paragraph: However, soon, Fenroar could very well end the battle with his next electrical attack. There's an extra comma here. It reads like you're out of breath.
  
• Fourteenth post, second paragraph: Blaire would likely writhe in pain, paralyzed greatly, and be paralyzed to the point that Fenroar could finish her off or wound her greatly with a follow-up attack. "paralyzed greatly," This section doesn't need to be in the sentence.
  
• Fourteenth post, second paragraph: The special thing about Fenroar is that he doesn't have anything flashy, simply summoning lightning bolts. It's a shame that he doesn't have a flashy anything that simply summons lightning bolts.
  
• Fourteenth post, second paragraph: Combine this with the fact that Fenroar can charge electricity, he can be a completely unpredictable opponent, which is why it's deadly to confront Fenroar close-range when he already been given time to charge electricity. This is a massive run-on sentence, and can be broken up into at least two sentences in their own right.
  
• Fourteenth post, third paragraph: He's left with few electricity now and be incredibly vulnerable. If this makes you wince as much as me, you'll understand.
  
• Sixteenth post, first paragraph: Fenroar is not somewhat relieved as the loud boom and lightning bolt made most of them retreat, how he will no longer have to worry about them getting in the way. This is a run-on sentence that could be broken up in twain.
  
• Sixteenth post, second paragraph: Fenroar is somewhat surprised that Blaire's dissiness looked like it already faded, now well aware of the situation, but the husky is now paralyzed. Um... it's nice to know that Fenroar is now well aware of the situation. Otherwise, who is aware of the situation that you mention?
  
• Sixteenth post, third paragraph: "Don't want to hurt my opponents any more then necessary. "Then" versus "than" is an important thing to remember here.
  
• Eighteenth post, first paragraph: There are a few paragraphs in here that have questionable use of tenses. There seems to be a problem with switching from past to present tense throughout the match; if you had to take notice at one particular point, I would suggest you look here.
  
• Eighteenth post, second paragraph: "Actually, it depends on what you mean really." Master Yoda, I think you mean "Actually, it depends on what you really mean." However, if you want to keep it in the original arrangement, I suggest a comma between "mean" and "really."
  
  Total Errors: 21 (Dealer scores blackjack.)
  
  So the score is 8 and 21? That's a 13 point difference... and if I marked off a point for every error, you'd be in the negative. This doesn't really justify your performance, so I shall dock half a point per error with respect to the difference in points between the two combatants.
  
  Blaire: 10 out of 10
  Fenroar: 3.5 out of 10

Fairplay

 

You guys tried really hard here, and it shows. However, there was a point brought up to me earlier: Given that Fenroar had the advantage at the end of the match, it puzzles me here as to why Blaire did not simply surrender. I find it hard to believe that with the reminders given, neither combatant knew when the match should have ended. An assumption (valid or not) is that Blaire was engaging in conversation with her opponent in order to let the match time out. As everyone can tell, the parameters of judging a match does not take who has the advantage into account. One could therefore assume that Blaire was letting the match time out so overall performance could be judged without considering that Blaire was technically defeated before the match timed out.

Unfortunately I had not been able to speak with Blaire regarding this. Insofar as her conduct is concerned, I have no reason to consider that she intentionally allowed the match to time out. This particular instance cannot be ruled out in the future, though. I will speak to future organizers and others who want to participate in the discussion on whether or not the Match Advantage should be taken into account when judging a match that has timed out. For the moment, however, I wish to make it known that I am not satisfied that the match has ended on this point. Consider my judgement in this section a warning for the future.

Blaire: 8 out of 10
Fenroar: 10 out of 10

Entertainment

 

Yup.

Blaire: 10 out of 10
Fenroar: 10 out of 10

Adaptation to the Environment

 

No concerns here. The merchants sent an angry invoice to Auriel, who pledged to put the bill of damages on his tab.

Blaire: 10 out of 10
Fenroar: 10 out of 10