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- Act IV: Artist's Showcase Yard
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- Something so unexpected..
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| Something so unexpected.. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 4 2012, 09:49 AM (265 Views) | |
| Nico Yazawa | Mar 4 2012, 09:49 AM Post #1 |
Lava Reef Act 2
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Chapter 1 I grabbed my backpack, and went out the door starting to walk to my new school. My name's Molly, by the way. I'm shy, quiet and I usually can't stand up for myself. I've always been like that. But, anyways, I was so excited! I'd never been to a school like this before. I hoped the people were nice and all. Maybe some wouldn't be, but..I'd just have to deal with that right? Anyways, I was wearing a simple designed purple and green striped tank-top but I covered it over with my red sweatshirt and I wore jeans, with my black sneakers. I wasn't the best with getting matching, or good outfits for that matter. But it didn't matter. I was starting my first day! I knew I was soon there, by the school I saw nearby and the amount of people crowding around outside. I was soon there, and I looked around at all the people there. They seemed all so popular, well some, and some looked not very popular.. I didn't know what group I belonged in. What I do wanna know is I don't wanna be labeled into a group. That's for sure. But I'm not gonna lie and not be myself to be cool. I don't wanna do that this year. I walked inside Hollywood Arts, and looked at the locker number I was assigned. I walked to the locker, and attempted to open it. It wouldn't open. I frowned. I tried it another few times and then a girl with black hair and a curly blue streak in her hair walked up to me. ''Hey,'' she says. ''Seems like you're having some trouble.'' I nod, and then she says, ''Move over for a minute.'' I do as she says and moved over. She lifts her leg up, and then kicks the locker as hard as she could, and the locker busted open. I smiled a little. ''Thanks,'' I say and she just nods. ''Uh..I'm Molly,'' I say shyly. ''I don't care. I'm Jade. That's all you need to know,'' she says and I look at her up and down, surprised she said that. The girl was very pretty. She had a nose ring, and 2 rings on her eyebrow. She had greenish, blueish eyes. She was wearing a black, cut-up t-shirt with beads on the bottom and black jeans. She wore sneakers. Before I could say anything else, she says, ''Now leave me alone. Go talk to Tori or something.'' I looked confused and she noticed and pointed at her, and then walked off. As mean as she was, I was kinda disappointed she left. She was really pretty, but sadly really mean and seemed like she didn't want me to hang out with her. I walked up to the girl named Tori. She had brown, curly hair. She didn't dress the same way Jade did. ''Uh, hello,'' I said, ''I'm Molly.'' Tori turns to me and smiles. She seemed nice. And I hoped she was. ''I'm Tori,'' Tori says and I nod. ''I saw you talking to Jade. If she says anything mean to her..I'd suggest just ignoring her. It's the best option.'' I chuckle. ''Okay,'' I reply, ''Are you friends with her?'' I saw Tori shrug, which must ment her and Jade were frenemys or something. Which I wasn't surprised, they had such distinct personalities from each other. Soon the bell rang and everyone left. Confused where to go, I just stood there. There was no one to help me here, to lead me where to go... I frowned. [Jade's POV] I saw Molly, again. She was in the hallway, she looked confused as to where to go. I was gonna ditch class today as usual but decided to help her out. I walked up to her. I saw her turn to me. Her green eyes brightened for some reason, and her short, brown hair bristeled. I led her to the class and she walked in. Molly..she was so nice, and pretty. I walked off, out of the school and in the parking lot. I sat on the ground and started to think. All I could think of was of Molly.. my ears got hot now whenever I thought of her, as did my cheeks. What the heck! What is this feeling..? I never felt this way for Beck, and we are broken up now. Why was Molly so different? What was so special about her? I sighed, I tried to get her out of my mind. I soon heard the bell ring and I smiled, it was time for lunch. All I had to do was avoid Molly and i wouldn't feel stupid whenever I was around her. I got up and got my lunch and then walked to the table where I usually sit at. It was all good, except.. Molly was sitting there! I sat down, and didn't say much. Which everyone thought was unusual..everyone except Molly. Of course.. I mentally slapped myself for thinking the table was safe. I started to eat my food, and a few minutes later I was done. Everyone was talking about unimportant things. It just went in one ear and out the other. I didn't care what they were talking about. The bell soon rang and I quickly got up, until I felt an arm on mine. I knew who it was. ''What's wrong?'' She asked and I shook my head, I couldn't tell her who it was. It was the end of the day now, and I sighed, and went back inside. I walked to my locker, opened it violently and grabbed my stuff. I would just have to be content with making fun of her, sadly, for the next few weeks. And that's exactly what I did.. [A FEW WEEKS LATER] [Molly's POV] I was honestly scared to go into school, I stood by the door, and slowly opened the door. I saw Jade by her locker, which was right next to mine. I've never been this scared in my life. Jade had threatened me many times and made fun of me. I don't know what suddenly caused her to do this, it just happened suddenly..unexpectedly. Everytime she was around me though, she got all nervous. I still managed to get so nervous. I walked in regretably and walked to my locker. The bell rang now. Dang it... did you have to do it now? Jade wasn't at her locker the next time I looked there, she was gone. I sighed happily, and walked into the Janitors closet. I sat down, crouched up into a ball. I was so scared. Jade just suddenly turned on me. I'd never been this bullied before. And I couldn't talk to anyone about it. My parents were always busy, they never had time for me. I soon felt a knock on the door. I froze. ''Let me in. Please,'' a voice begged and I recognized it. It was Jade. I refused to let her in. She begged a few more times but then..she just decided to open the door and walk in. Stupid me I forgot to lock it.. I got up and backed away slowly from Jade. She was very pretty, but she scared me. I was now backed up into a corner. She got closer to me, really close..what was she doing? [Jade's POV] She had decided to not let me in and stupid me, not realizing the door wasn't locked. I decided to just open it after I realized it, and she looked...scared? I felt bad for making her feel this way. I never meant to make her scared. Me making fun of her was just my way of getting my feelings out. And i knew I loved her, I knew it. Because I always got butterflies when I was around her, I blushed so much when I was around her... And now we were so close together, our lips were almost touching. And that's what I wanted. ''W-what are you doing?'' She asked me. I chuckled, and smiled. ''What I should've done the first time we met,'' I said and crashed my lips onto hers. She was surprised, but kissed back to my surprise. She seemed like a good kisser.. I continued to kiss her. I loved her, so much..and there was nothing anyone could do about it. |
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| Wallace | Mar 4 2012, 03:14 PM Post #2 |
Break out the L-word. The other L-word.
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Mind if I give you some advice? I mean, not to say this is bad, but just some things that I've noticed you do or don't do that would probably attract more readers and keep them longer. I'm asking because I don't want to just say it and come off as condescending... |
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| Nico Yazawa | Mar 5 2012, 03:24 PM Post #3 |
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Lava Reef Act 2
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Huh? What do you mean.. |
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| Wallace | Mar 5 2012, 04:39 PM Post #4 |
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Break out the L-word. The other L-word.
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I mean like, just some random shit I could tell you that I've picked up from reading as much as I do. Advice one structuring stories and whatnot. Not to say you need it, but hey, it's just some things that would make this even better, in my opinion. And since I didn't mention it already, I like this story so far. :3;c Gah, I'm trying to do this without coming off as condescending or anything and I don't think I'm doing a very good job... u_u |
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| Nico Yazawa | Mar 5 2012, 05:18 PM Post #5 |
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Lava Reef Act 2
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Oh. Yeah! Sure. You can give me some advice. The more feedback the better right ? |
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| Wallace | Mar 5 2012, 07:57 PM Post #6 |
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Break out the L-word. The other L-word.
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Yeah, uh, okay. So, from my experience in reading and writing, this is one thing you want to avoid:
These kinds of things are usually best explained through dialogue or the actions of the character. Tends to give the characters a bit more of a sense of progression and development, usually. Unless it was your intention, I'd avoid writing like you're verbally telling someone a story. I mean, if it makes sense from a first person perspective then by all means, but it's probably best to avoid making it seem like you're just recollecting events and relaying them to someone else. Also, you changed from present-tense to past-tense and back a lot. Doesn't really matter which you use, but it's best if you can remain consistent with the one you decide on. For a story like this, unless say, you alternated the chapters with the different character's points of view, it would be best to use the omniscient third-person view. It takes away the need for the, "[Molly's POV]" things. Those tend to distract from the actual story. Now, if say, you changed the POV at a new chapter, or made a distinction between the two, such as placing an extra space between the sections, a first-person perspective would work a bit better. But honestly, I think your best bet for this particular story would be omniscient third-person, where the narrator is not a part of the story at all, and is sort of like the author just telling the story. Another nice thing about it is that it gives you free-reign to delve into the minds of ALL characters, not just one, like in limited third-person or first-person. One last thing, about the flow of the story. If you can, it's usually best to give a bit more in dramatic sequences, like at the end here. Keep the mundane and mostly irrelevant stuff about say, the steps of how someone gets to a place, mostly simple, and give more time to dramatic sections. Specifically, give more details, more description in the more dramatic and important scenes. Did Molly blush at first when Jade kissed her? The location is important due to the event that happens there, so what does the janitor's closet contain? More details in scenes such as these are always better. Well, that's it... it's a really good story, I like it. I hope you learn from some of this. It would make you a REALLY good writer, I think. 
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| Nico Yazawa | Mar 6 2012, 04:27 AM Post #7 |
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Lava Reef Act 2
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Oh! Well, thank you for the feedback. I'll try to fix it up whenever I make the next chapter and all. I appreciate the feedback though and hopefully it can make me an even better writer. (: Like I said, the more feedback the better.
Edited by Nico Yazawa, Mar 6 2012, 04:27 AM.
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