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- Aaron Kunai's College of Terror
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| Aaron Kunai's College of Terror; Terrorists, Imporobability Drives, and....Clowns? Aaron's got his work cut out! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 20 2011, 07:14 PM (310 Views) | |
| Chompman | Sep 20 2011, 07:14 PM Post #1 |
The Jaw-ggernaught of Justice.
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A quick word before we start.... Prologue It was just another day at St. Jupiter's Community College, or SJCC for short. Students were hanging out, studying before heading off to class, or doing other things. However, little did everyone know, this day was not like the others. One student who was about to witness the forthcoming happening was Christine Penny, who was studying for an exam for her Social Justice class. As she did, she suddenly heard a loud, threatening voice, followed by a gunshot; "EVERYONE!!! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND NOW!!!! Screams and panic followed. The source of the commotion came from a man, who looked to be in his early '20s. He had a bald head, dark shades covering his eyes, and a spiral tattoo on his right arm. in his other hand, was a silver Glock 18. As soon as She heard the call, Christine hid behind a vending machine in the cafeteria, hoping to not be spotted. Meanwhile..... A person was en route to SJCC. He had untidy brown hair, brown eyes, and wearing a red shirt with the Rock Band Guitar Logo on it. He was wheeling a backpack behind him as he walked. This was none other than Aaron Kunai. As he was closing in on his destination, he was in for a surprise; Someone was Flying right towards him from above!!! The someone flying in towards him was a man clad in black, wearing a matching black ski mask. Acting quick and moving fast, Aaron grasped the handle of his backpack, and swung it with the force of a lumberjack. The backpack collided with the skull of the assailant, taking him out of his trajectory, and sending him into the wall, where he bounced off of, and then collapsed there. However, what happened next defied all logical explanation; The guy turned into coins. As Aaron witnessed this. He picked up the coins. They didn't look like any old coins, they looked a lot like these coins. Some were larger than the others, and some had symbols like stars on them. He really didn't know what to make of that. He then looked toward the front entrance to the college, and wondered, if there was a problem inside the college itself. If he got attacked outside, there had to be more inside. With a hand on the handle of the door, Aaron opened the door slowly, and proceeded inside..... Edited by Chompman, Sep 21 2011, 08:57 AM.
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 The Dark Jaws of Justice. My bark is as equally deadly as my bite. I'm CHOMPMAN! Everything you need to know about me....right in here!!!
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| Clementine | Sep 21 2011, 02:28 AM Post #2 |
Yep.
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Well, time for a critic to rate your story. It's uncanny how much this makes think of Scott Pilgrim. In fact hey, those coins are from Sam & Max which is in turn from Mario. Say, is Aaron you in real life? Is Aaron a roleplay vision of yourself? If so, Then- then i start to predict your going to make everyone in that school praise you like a hero, which is kinda..how can i say it... "Fake Spotlight On Yourself" Let's hope then Aaron is not you. Next on the list, the first chapter isn't that long... If the short length was intended, i think it should be a prologue. To satisfy the interested reader, a chapter must always be long if the story is intended to be a action-thrilled adventure. Speaking on expanding the lengths...the fight that Aaron had with the unknown Jason-lookalike wasn't supposed to be a real good and long fight, right? I'm not sure if you intended that part to be a actual fight or just a simple enemy to stomp on. I know that you needed a design for coins, but considering how i seen you draw, i think drawing that coin would be much better then borrowing a image from the video game that doesn't have the details (A star) you said that the coin haves. Plus it would be pretty impressive, fan fictions with artistic visuals by the author himself always catch people's eyes. Ending this post, this fan fic well...there's something placed in it that i can't quite point out thus leaving me a little confused. The length is not decent but not bad either. The descriptions remind me of movies i watched but i don't remember what kind of movies. I will rate the first chapter 5/10. I won't complain, it's the first chapter. So i'm gonna wait for Chapter 2. |
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| Chompman | Sep 21 2011, 08:57 AM Post #3 |
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The Jaw-ggernaught of Justice.
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MY RESPONSE TO MIKON Ah helloz there. I'm not gonna lie, Scott Pilgrim has been the inspiration for this little fic. Actually, this is from a graphic novel that I've done a little while back. The grand scheme of things was this; i would draw it up, post it to SB, and leave the rest to imagination by the public. However, It didn't go as simple as i had thought it to be; my webcam sucked at taking their pics, and all the dialogue, interactivity, and scenes were all too small, and too hard to make out anything from them. I had another back-up plan, and that was to caption all the scenes, dialogue, what have me, all that simple stuff. However, i've gotten lazy with it, as with my blog, but that's a whole different ball game, mind ya, and it ended up not making the cut. Another form of inspiration was from the Series "Madness Combat," (i'm pretty sure you know that series from Newgrounds...) as if you've read the spoiler at the top and the spoiler in the excerpt, I've borrowed some characters and props from that series, paying respect to the original owner, Matthew "Krinkels" Jolly (Best animator in the world, hands down!!!) to give this thing some creativity, for lack of a better term. Everything you're reading is from the graphic novel, as with that little "Skirmish" in the first chapter (I'll change it to prologue, so yeah lolz) That was just a bridge to the actual plot. As for the Aaron kunai character, He is not me in real life. He has my first name, and that's all of me he'll ever have. I'm but a simple gamer, and the name Aaron just sounds cool. As for coin design, That was just a filler too. I was in a hurry to get this all down, or else, it will all just blow away. Blame it on not writing, i suppose. this will have a bit of videogame refs, like Scott Pilgrim, but not over-saturated. Hope that clears everything up. "In the Name of Harman...." Edited by Chompman, Sep 23 2011, 09:09 AM.
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The Dark Jaws of Justice. My bark is as equally deadly as my bite. I'm CHOMPMAN! Everything you need to know about me....right in here!!!
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| Chompman | Sep 22 2011, 08:00 PM Post #4 |
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The Jaw-ggernaught of Justice.
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Chapter 1-The welcome wagon Aaron slowly snuck into the main building of SJCC, hoping that there were no other things that were going to jump out at him. However, the sight that met his eyes was a horrible one; There were more guards, dressed like the one he had beaten up a little while ago. Same black motif, same black ski masks. And they were carrying katanas. The worst part was that if he opened the next door that led to the true interior, he might be spotted. As Aaron pondered the best way to sneak past them, he began to wonder if this was simply a hostage situation, or something to grab public attention. However, he dismissed those thoughts as he decided to make his move. He slowly opened his backpack, so the sound of the zipper would not give him away, and looked at what he had inside...... Contents of Backpack He chose a pen that he didn't like to use, and hoisted his backpack onto his back, slowly and quietly. He then slowly opened the door that led to the interior and waited for the guard to pass his position. Then, he threw the pen across the room. It bounced off the door that was straight across from the doorway that Aaron was in. One of the guards heard the sound, and went over to where the pen had landed to investigate. Taking this as his cue, Aaron quickly and as quietly as he could muster climbed up the stairs, and made his way to the elevators. However, he only got to the elevators, not in one of them when he heard a voice from behind him; "HEY YOU!!!!! STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!!" One of the guards noticed him, and drew his katana, charging at him. Aaron immediately struck a fighting pose, and awaited the guards attack. He started to bring his sword down, but not before Aaron foot swept the guard, and knocked the katana out of his hands. Aaron then punched the guard in the face several times, and gave him a good couple of slashes with the katana he picked up. "WHO ARE YOU?" Aaron growled at the guard, holding him by the neck. "WHAT IS THIS? I WANT ANSWERS NOW!!!!!!" The guard only laughed weakly at Aaron's questions. "Heh.....I'm not...telling..you anything...good luck..loser......" And with that, a bright light enveloped the guard, and dissolved into coins. Aaron looked at the coins he was now clutching. He really didn't get this whole thing now. What was this, and how was it happening? However, he didn't have any time to ponder this mystery, as more guards had been attracted by the commotion. Again, katanas raised, and charging at the intruder. Aaron was ready, gripping the katana he pilfered and holding it in a samurai stance. The first guard came straight at him, and attempted to slash Aaron, but Aaron countered by blocking the blade with his own, then by performing a back slice, and knocking the guard flat on his face. Then he finished him by turning him over, and punching his lights out. The second tried to take more of a defensive approach, by avoiding any bum-rush techniques the first guard had made towards Aaron, and simply blocking everything that Aaron tried. However, the plan backfired when Aaron took off his backpack, and whacked the guard silly with it, and finally headbutting the guard, making him stumble, and fall on his back. The third guard got the message. He took off running toward the library. Aaron however wasn't going to let that slide. He grabbed his katana, and threw it at the guard. It struck him, and took him down. They all exploded into coins. However, Aaron wasn't interested in claiming the spoils. He got into the elevator, and rode it to the second floor. However, as the door opened, he heard voices and even a couple of gunshots. He quickly ducked, and as soon as the shots subsided He quickly darted out of the elevator, and behind a pillar, hoping that there no more gunshots. However, he heard more gunshots, but surprisingly they were not directed at him. He looked just a little bit over the pillar. In one moment of weirdness, he saw the guards crumple up on the floor, and explode into more coins. When Aaron fully looked over the pillar, he noticed a strange-looking person quite possibly the strangest person on the planet. First off, this person had no arms. Instead, there were only hands, and they were clutching an assault rifle, barrel smoking. Next, he had on a black trench coat, and a black bandanna. The only features of a face that Aaron can make out were red rimless glasses, and a bit of white hair. The mouth was covered up by a black covering, also part of the coat. The stranger then looked at Aaron. "Not too bad, huh?" He spoke. He had a western accent to him. Definitely a part you didn't expect when you saw him or heard him speak for that matter. The most amazing part of his voice was that the mouth covering didn't move. His voice seemed to be transmitted by a voice box. "Um...yeah," Aaron replied, still struck speechless. "Who..are you anyway?" "Wimbledon, Agent Hank J. Wimbledon at your service." END OF CHAPTER Edited by Chompman, Sep 23 2011, 09:07 AM.
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The Dark Jaws of Justice. My bark is as equally deadly as my bite. I'm CHOMPMAN! Everything you need to know about me....right in here!!!
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| Clementine | Sep 23 2011, 01:43 AM Post #5 |
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Yep.
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Well hey, this time you definitely got my attention in a good way. =3 I have to say, although i expected a little more longer fight scene, the fight scene made me relax on the couch, laptop on knees and stare my small eyes into the words that describe Aaron's wacky Ko's. I didn't skip anything. That is good, because you interested me. Oh man, i can't wait for the main fights. ^^ er wait no im stupid i never said that AHBAK The chapters evolve. It would be a little better to expand Aaron's thoughts. Like in the beginning, you've could add something like "Aaron slowly snuck into the main building of SJCC. Pondering on what is happening, he suddenly got deja vu as he thought of that person who charged at him a few minutes before...he swore he saw him before. As he got into the building, the sight that met his eyes was a horrible one;" Something like that, we all want a little inside thoughts of a character. You just rushed quickly for the action. =3 Even i spend a couple minutes writing a set-up before a fight in my Pointless Fight Scene fan fic, which is all about fights Yet i managed to stall a lot of time in it. The rating of Chapter 2 is 8/10. I don't know why i'm so nice but it's probably the fact that i woken up in a very early morning. =( |
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| Chompman | Sep 23 2011, 08:50 AM Post #6 |
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The Jaw-ggernaught of Justice.
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MY RESPONSE TO MIKON Well, top of the mornin' to ya!!! Ok, i'll take that bit of criticism, and i'll edit this chapter. How's that sound? By the way that i told this chapter, i was in a hurry. It was getting late, and i was missing Whose line is it anyway, so yeah lolz. Thanks for your support!!! |
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The Dark Jaws of Justice. My bark is as equally deadly as my bite. I'm CHOMPMAN! Everything you need to know about me....right in here!!!
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| Clementine | Sep 23 2011, 09:39 AM Post #7 |
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Yep.
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Like said Aaron, there's no need to be in hurry. Fan fictions don't need to be always settled as quick as possible or on announced day. When you are in the middle of writing, you save your progress into a writing program (Notepad or Microsoft Word, whatever you have.), and continue it tomorrow. We never gave you reason to hurry the shit up. =3 |
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| Chompman | Sep 23 2011, 02:57 PM Post #8 |
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The Jaw-ggernaught of Justice.
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RESPONSE TO MIKON Yeah...I could've done that too. Next time i'll save everything on notepad. |
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The Dark Jaws of Justice. My bark is as equally deadly as my bite. I'm CHOMPMAN! Everything you need to know about me....right in here!!!
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| Chompman | Sep 24 2011, 11:56 AM Post #9 |
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The Jaw-ggernaught of Justice.
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Chapter 2, part 1- What's the story, Morning Glory? Aaron was still staring at the stranger, now known as Agent Hank J. Wimbledon. "What's the matter? something on my glasses?" Hank asked. "Um, no." Aaron answered. He really didn't know what to make of Hank. He looked like a normal person, but those hands, the way they moved without any arms, was somewhat creepy. However, He fought back the urge to say something about it, and instead asked, "What's going on here Hank?" "Well, it's kinda hard to explain, you see. I just got here myself, and i don't have all the details. All I know is that there's hostages held throughout this building, and the ringleader's not negotiating with anyone." "And who is this ringleader?" "Some say his name is Koji. Just Koji." "Koji, huh?" Hank began to reload his assault rifle. Then he put it on his back, and pulled out two Desert Eagles, or as some people call them, Deagles. "Yeah. Guy's a total nutcase. According to my sources, he robbed some military technology prototypes, and he plans on using them. Motive is not certain though." Hank began to walk past Aaron. "Now if you'll excuse me, I got some hostages to save." Aaron saw Hank go to the end of the hall, where the bookstore was located, and a door leading to another hall that had some classrooms. It was then and there that Aaron decided to go with Hank. "Wait! I'm coming with you," Aaron said, running up to Hank. Hank stared at Aaron. "um..yeah, no offense, but you don't have any weapons on ya. This ain't no kiddie park." Aaron then showed Hank the katana he pilfered from the first floor, strapped to his backpack. "Oh...so you do have something...hope you know how to use that thing then," was the surprised reply. The two then opened the door as slowly as they could, and snuck into the hall. The hall was strangely quiet, a little too quiet. Hank snuck up to a room, then motioned Aaron to follow suit. He also snuck up to the room where Hank was standing next to. They stood at both sides of the room, in a classic time crisis pose. Hank then held up three fingers, then slowly put one down at a time, when the last finger was down, Hank quickly wrenched open the door, and darted inside. However, Aaron didn't hear any gunshots, screams, or exclamations. All he heard was "CLEAR!!" from Hank. He also went inside. However, the sight that met his eyes was stranger than Hank..... TO BE CONTINUED Edited by Chompman, Sep 24 2011, 12:15 PM.
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The Dark Jaws of Justice. My bark is as equally deadly as my bite. I'm CHOMPMAN! Everything you need to know about me....right in here!!!
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| Clementine | Sep 24 2011, 12:59 PM Post #10 |
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Yep.
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"Part 1" oh you gotta be shitting me |
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| Chompman | Sep 24 2011, 06:48 PM Post #11 |
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The Jaw-ggernaught of Justice.
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RESPONSE TO MIKON ok, don't get all Issac Washington on me now. Part 2 is coming up. (Issac Washington=from House of the dead overkill) |
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The Dark Jaws of Justice. My bark is as equally deadly as my bite. I'm CHOMPMAN! Everything you need to know about me....right in here!!!
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| Clementine | Sep 25 2011, 01:07 PM Post #12 |
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Yep.
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It's- i didn't mean that Aaron. Usually, dividing a story with parts is supposed to work more different. Let's take a example on me. Okay, so i am sitting on a fan fiction, brainstorming my mind on a action fan fiction. As i write, write and write more of a fan fiction, i realize how much i have written down. And there's still many stuff to write in it. One solution? Divide it with parts. You don't get my point? We only use parts when the chapters are too goddamn long to continue on a same post. I feel as if you didn't give any kind of effort into the Part 1 of Chapter 1. It's still the same length. And it still feels as if you reacted "Oh shit my fans are impatient gotta hurry on writing it". Come on, man, i'm sure you can make that better. And-and there's no need for edits by the way, i think it can't be now edited. Sheesh. |
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| Chompman | Sep 25 2011, 05:27 PM Post #13 |
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The Jaw-ggernaught of Justice.
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oh, all right man. |
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The Dark Jaws of Justice. My bark is as equally deadly as my bite. I'm CHOMPMAN! Everything you need to know about me....right in here!!!
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| Chompman | Sep 28 2011, 11:59 AM Post #14 |
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The Jaw-ggernaught of Justice.
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Chapter 2, part 2: "Improba-what now?" "What is THAT?" Those were the words that came out of Aaron's mouth as he caught sight of the strange-looking device that lay before him. It looked like an engine to something. It had twin turbines on both sides of it. On its front, it had a screen, in which was black at the moment. On its bottom, it had a strange round indentation. It looked like something could be placed there. As Aaron got a closer look, Hanks disembodied hand suddenly pushed him back a little bit. "Whoa there, don't touch that! Who knows what it could do?!" "Exactly what is it then?" Aaron asked. "My guess is that it's an Improbability Drive." "Improba-what now?" "Improbability Drive. It warps reality." That really sent Aaron for a loop. "Warps...reality?" "Yep. You heard that right. What's it doing here is beyond me. But i know this kind of thing. I had to deal with something like this before. This one is inactive." "How do you know?" This was really starting to intrigue Aaron. "Because its power source is not here." "And what is this power source?" Aaron asked. "It's called a medallion. They emulate a certain element. By the looks of this Improbability drive here, it looks like it needs a forest medallion." "A forest medallion? Where can that be?" Aaron asked. "And how does this link with what's happening now?" "Firstly, I don't know where the medallion is, and secondly, if this drive is here, there must be others lying around. You'll just have to find the medallion, insert it into this drive, and we'll see what happens." "Great." "Hang on a sec! I've got something here that reads energy outputs, and pinpoints where their sources are. If my hunch is correct, then that should lead us to the medallion." "Awesome!! Let's go!!!" Hank reached into his coat, and pulled out a small, square pad, looking much like an ipad. He touched the screen a couple of times, and pointed it around the room. Finally, he pointed it towards the door leading out to the hall. "Got a lock!!! Let's go!!" he said, and with that dashed out the door, Aaron following close behind him. They tore through the hall, past the bullet-riddled cafeteria, and into the presentation room. "C'mon....show yourself to me...." Hank muttered under his breath as he walked around the massive room. Finally, he stopped behind the podium. "Aaron!! I think I found it!!" Aaron ran to where Hank was, and sure enough, there was a golden medallion, with an embossed tree on one side, and a strange design on the other; a series of crossed lines, kinda like how a circuit is. Aaron picked it up, and pocketed the strange item. "Let's go back to the improbability Drive." The pair made their way back to the room where the drive was located. "Here goes nothing," Aaron said as he inserted the forest medallion into the improbability drive's opening on the bottom. The screen turned white, then words came onto the screen; DRIVE 1 ACTIVATED..... RECOLLECTING DATA.... OPENING GATE 1..... RESTORING WORLD..... As Aaron and Hank read the words on the screen, Aaron was now curious. "Gate 1? What does that mean?" Hank thought for a moment. "It could be an actual portal to another world around here somewhere." "Another world.....ok this is creepy," Aaron said, still staring at the screen of the Improbability drive. "Well what did you think this was going to be?" Hank asked. Aaron just stared at him. "Look, this is your school. You need to get to the bottom of this. I can't always be with you. However, if you do need me, i'll be in the cafeteria. If you need anything, come see me there. Good luck, Aaron." And with that, Hank left. Aaron sighed. Looks like this was going to be harder than he thought.... END OF CHAPTER |
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The Dark Jaws of Justice. My bark is as equally deadly as my bite. I'm CHOMPMAN! Everything you need to know about me....right in here!!!
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| Clementine | Sep 28 2011, 12:29 PM Post #15 |
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Yep.
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Well i give up. Same length, no improvements at all. It's a fine story, just could do some fixes. =3 |
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