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| Cursed Blood; Character Driven Story of Aktar | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 26 2010, 01:54 PM (247 Views) | |
| Ice Fire | Jan 26 2010, 01:54 PM Post #1 |
Twisted Fate ~when things don't go the way it should~
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===Prologue_introduction=== Aktar... is a 14 years old boy who looked like a normal harmless guy but in fact, he hold's a curse without knowing it's origins or how it was caused and by who?. he lives in a brown house with a purple roof ,the house has 2 floors, his neighbor is a specialist Doctor who is also the main Doctor in Nietoda junior high school that Aktar go to. ===Chapter1_The Hostage=== After finishing the exams that was giving to the top ten students of Nietoda ,Aktar returned back to his class and sat on his friend's desk "Did they mentioned it yet again?" the guy said. Aktar looked up and laughed in a mocking way "Yes Dude!..they brought it up" Aktar replied "they suck i tell ya" . At this moment ,the classroom's door was bashed open and a women with a ponytail Orange hair in her 24th. roll in holding a pistol and aiming at the wall behind Aktar and his friend "I GOT YOU NOW AKTAR!..SURRENDER" she screamed. Aktar ran for the window and jumped out from the 2nd floor "Lucky!" he spotted a trampoline in his landing spot the women followed him then looked down through the window "YOU'LL DIE" ,she saw him running out of the school "OH NO YOU WON'T GET AWAY" ,she went downstairs and int the entrance of the school then started chasing him like a mad dog. Aktar ran as fast as he could to lose her but it didn't work so far so, he went back to his house knowing what is gonna happen to her when she get into his house. he reached his house and get inside from the window on purpose ,the women followed Aktar but she went inside the house from the door ,her fate have been sealed at this point. as she opened the door and went inside the house ,she stepped on the green carpet then the floor began to fall ,she manged to avoid falling because she stepped in the corner which wasn't falling then a burning lasers appeared forming a wall like defense , she dodged them easily because she was trained to be Agile. "That was fairly easy to pass" she flickered her hair and got cocky then continued to the next room, as soon as she entered ,a net fell on her trapping her "WHAT THE..!?" she was surprised by that. Aktar showed himself and mocked her "easy you say" he raised his head and crossed his arms "then why didn't you pass a simple and non-technical net". he cuffed her hand and leg with ropes ,taking her to a room in the 2nd floor and putting her there as a Hostage. Why did he hold a Cop hostage?what would the Police HQ gonna do to him? find that out in the next chapter.  ....to be continue Edited by Ice Fire, Jan 26 2010, 02:01 PM.
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| Lady Miracle | Jan 26 2010, 02:09 PM Post #2 |
[insert something cheerful here]
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*chuckles* Well, that was... amusing. There's a lot of space for improvement, but you have some strenghts, one of them being that I can actually understand what you're trying to say. XP I saw some grammatical and punctuation errors here and there. I could point them out IF you want to fix them. I am curious about how you'll continue this. Keep working and you'll succed. 
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 The Muffin Man's wife and a 
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| Rock Kenaro | Jan 26 2010, 02:09 PM Post #3 |
Marble Garden Act 2
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There are a few grammatical mistakes, but I like it. |
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| Ice Fire | Jan 26 2010, 02:22 PM Post #4 |
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Twisted Fate ~when things don't go the way it should~
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@Mira: it would be great if you point out my mistakes..i need to improve myself to some degree
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| Lady Miracle | Jan 26 2010, 03:03 PM Post #5 |
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[insert something cheerful here]
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Okey-dokey. In the quote, I'll have written a correction so you can compare it with what you wrote.Not necessarily a mistake here, but even if this is the Internet, it would look better if you just left space rather than an underscore. Also remember to capitalize words of importance in titles. Because you're talking in third person, the verb "hold" is conjugated as "holds," without the need for apostrophe. As for "its," when the word is used to signify a possesion, it doesn't require an apostrophe. Words at the beginning of a sentence are capitalized, needless to say. I understand if this was actually just a mishap due to rush-typing. ^.^ I've had plenty of those myself. Also, you press the space key after writing the comma, not before. If you're explaining the house in that sentence, don't change the topic randomly- stick to it and finish the sentence. As far as I'm concerned, "doctor" isn't capitalized unless you're using it in unison with his name. (example: pediatric doctor, Doctor Johnson) And from what I understand, when used as a proper name "Junior High School" is capitalized. Upon this, some minor tweaks can be done. For instance, I thought it would be best to split that sentence in two and shorten up the last bit. You are the actual author, so you an either follow my example or choose to try something different. Again, not really a mistake as far as I'm concerned, but the underscroe could be neatly substituted with a colon. Same comma thing from before. I suggest you use periods or commas to separate narration from character dialogue. Optional: You may start dialogues in a new paragraph. This isn't a strict rule, but it can help from cluttering many words together. Capitalization, not mixing narration with dialogue again. Though my previous suggestion to separate dialogue in paragraphs is for when you change from narrating to character dialogue, or from one character's diakogue to another. I think you pretty much hadthat down already, so no worries there. Do try not capitalizing words unnecessarily though. Same stuff. Also, "woman" is singular; "women" is plural. I underlined the "24th" because I want to make sure I am right about what it means. Unless it is a date, it's best to write numbers in words. Changed "into" to "through" -among other things- seeing as she was exiting the school, not entering it. Basically a few repeated mistakes. Some parts can be slightly modified, but I'll let the author word things out whichever way he wants to. Also, don't be forced to do the changes if you don't want to or don't have the time. And don't worry about it. Just about everyone makes minor mistakes like these. I myself am no exception. |
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| Ice Fire | Jan 27 2010, 11:59 AM Post #6 |
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Twisted Fate ~when things don't go the way it should~
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Thanks Miracle for spotting my mistakes and correcting them. they are way better than school lessons. And here is the the second part. ------------------------------------------------------------ ===Ch2:Ms.Mage (Part 1)=== Two days have passed since holding Socen as a hostage, the Police's top General heard about Aktar's hostage. "WHAT?...HOW DARE HE DO THAT!" the General yelled at his Vice-commander Sirab. "i just have received these information from our local agents" Sirab said. The General took the microphone and commanded executing an attack on Aktar's house with a Tank and three Cannons. Meanwhile, Aktar was washing the dishes then the house started shaking. he was startled by that and went looking outside from the kitchen's window. he saw a Tank and a policeman on the Tank loading his Rifle. "OH SHIT..THEY FOUND ME" Aktar panicked. Then he went upstairs to Socen who was still tied up with ropes. he opened the room's door strongly. Socen jumped in surprise. "WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA DUDE!?" Socen complained. "we don't have time to talk now" Aktar said and pressed on a green button in the room, then the wall slid up revealing a big pipe. Aktar grabbed Socen and jumped inside the pipe. The pipe led them to the sewers. "HEY..THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT A LADY SUCH AS MYSELF" Socen scolded Aktar. Aktar ignored her and pushed her forward to get away as much as possible from the house through the sewer. Socen tried to get away from Aktar by jumping in the sewer's water. "DON'T DO IT..YOU'LL KILL YOURSELF", Aktar warned Socen but she didn't listen to him and stayed in the water. As she was mocking Aktar, a Crocodile was heading toward her. she looked at the Crocodile. "OH SHIT!" she got freaked out. Aktar jumped in the water heading for Socen to get her out. he was able to reach her and dragging her out of the water, he still hasn't get out yet. Unfortunately, the Crocodile bite Aktar's left leg dragging him into the water. Aktar wanted to attack the Crocodile inside the water but he was slow underwater, he then took out one of his knives and threw it inside the Crocodiles mouth which cause some cuts in some of his organs. Aktar swam out and stayed down on his stomach because his left leg's bone got broken a little and there were some damages to the leg's Nerve Cells. Socen looked at Aktar, feeling a little shame. "why..did you..save me even though I'm a cop?" Socen asked Aktar. "because..my hostages are my guests and i must make sure to keep them safe" Aktar Smiled at Socen then lost his conscious. At that moment, a girl wearing Grey cape with a hood who was holding a Basket, and a little kid. were passing by Aktar and Socen. The Girl looked at both of Aktar and Socen. "My..what an unusual way for kidnapping" the Girl giggled. the Kid held his sister's left arm and asked her to take Aktar and Socen to their house. Socen turned her head and sighed. "i have a bad feeling about this" Socen thought. ....To be continue in Part 2. Edited by Ice Fire, Jan 31 2010, 04:48 AM.
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| Ice Fire | Jan 30 2010, 12:24 AM Post #7 |
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Twisted Fate ~when things don't go the way it should~
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===Ch2: Save The Day! Ms.Mage (part2)=== Sirab entered Aktar's house, wondering why it was suspiciously quiet. he got off the Tank with two soldiers. Sirab knocked the door while the other two were aiming their guns. "Mr.Aktar, please open the door, we have come to capture you" Sirab said. The two soldiers looked at each other in shock. they approached Sirab, then whispered in his ear. "um..Vice-commander...that was very wrong" they said to Sirab. "Really?..i thought he will open the door if i asked nicely" Sirab replied. they backed away telling the others that Aktar isn't home. Sirab scanned the house. he canceled the mission and reported to the General about what happened. meanwhile at the Girl's house, Aktar woke up finding himself in a small bedroom surrounded by wooden walls. he wanted to get off the bed to check the place, but his left leg still won't move. he heard a foot steps coming near and near. "I MUST HAVE BEEN CAUGHT!...and my story just started" Aktar gloomed. the little kid and his sister came inside the room. the girl was holding a crutch. she gave it to Aktar. "sorry..i couldn't heal your leg..it was beyond my current capability" she said. Aktar took the crutch and asked about Socen's where about. the girl told him that Socen went to the forest behind the house. Aktar went after her. Far deep in the forest. Socen reached a ruined town. the sky was purple with black clouds. Socen walked in the narrow street. as she was walking deeper and deeper. a group of bandits trapped her by surrounding her in circle formation. Socen was determined that they can't do her any harm, unfortunately, the bandits started attacking her. Socen rolled away and stood up in a cool manner, aiming at the attackers and shoots them with her Pistol. Eight of them have died, six remained, four were behind her and two in-front. the four bandits, each with his sword, jumped on her for an epic killing. Socen jumped above them, rolling backward, dropping behind them. she commenced shooting them. The other four, died too. Socen got overconfident, aiming at the remaining two. "say your prayers" Socen mocked them, overwhelmed by cockiness. she shoot them, but no bullet came out of the gun. she didn't realized that all her bullets were shoot at twelve of them, leaving her defenseless. the two bandits headed toward Socen. she panicked and ran in the alleyway that was on her right in the first place. the alleyway was a dead end for her. Socen was in total fear as she visualize herself dead. the two bandits were about to kill Socen and taking her possessions, but wait!, Aktar was walking in the street and saw the bandits. he looked between their shoulder, seeing Socen sitting down, her back to the wall. he went to them. stabbing the left guy from his point of view, in his heart, causing severe injury. The other guy held Aktar from his jaw, pushing Aktar to the wall and raising him above. Aktar couldn't do a thing to help himself because of his leg, and losing the final Knife. the bandit looked near Aktar at a wanted poster, showing Aktar picture in in the poster. "HAH!..ONE MILLION DOLLARS for a weak guy like you...the police must have got desperately weak and helpless" he mocked the police. "This must be my luckyyyy day!" he continued. Socen looked at the helpless Aktar trying to save her regardless of his injury "w..hy!?". unexpected turn of events happened when suddenly, the same girl who took them out from the sewer jumped from the roof at a wooden box, hitting the bandit on his head with her Wand. "CUTE FAINTING!" the girl said. rendering Mr.Bandit unconscious. Aktar and Socen were saved by a weird attack, and a weird name for it. Aktar and Socen were still maintaining the thought of seeing her attacks background, which was a chibi bunny's head. The three of them returned back to the house for a good rest. in the morning before leaving, the kid and his sister went to see Aktar and Socen off. the kid told his sister to look at Aktar's 5 Ring tattoo. Kid : "hey sis..look at that guy's tattoo on his right hand" Girl : "what about them?" Kid : "don't it look like ours too?" Girl : "your right brother!..it looks exactly like ours!" Kid : " but why his is in light green color!?" Girl : "sounds fishy...maybe i should go with them to find out" The girl followed Aktar and Socen telling them about her willing to go with them. Girl : "Wait!!...take me with you too!" Aktar : "huh?..you're better not..we're running from the police" Socen : " hey hey hey!!... I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY WITH YOU..YOU KIDNAPPED ME!" she complained as usual. Aktar : "shut up a bit..your hurting my ears!" Girl : "i don't care about that...just take me with you, pleeeeease?" Aktar : "um...ok, i guess but what can you do?" Girl : "my name is Ari..pleased to meet you" Aktar : "i wasn't asking that" Girl : "oh sorry!...I'm a Mage, and i can do name your attacks, and picking flowers, and shopping, and using first aid, and casting spells...blah blah blah" Aktar & Socen : "uggh..ok Ari" they agreed on taking her, because they want her to shut her mouth. Accompanied by a new friend. Aktar, Socen and Ari. headed for a whole new adventure. ....To Be Continued Edited by Ice Fire, Jan 30 2010, 07:29 PM.
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| Lady Miracle | Jan 31 2010, 06:20 AM Post #8 |
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[insert something cheerful here]
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Well, that last conversation executed a method used in plays, not stories. I saw some grammar mistakes here and there, and there were scenes that could have elaborated a bit more. But overall, a really good attempt. Very anime-style, if I may say so. :3 |
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The Muffin Man's wife and a
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| Ice Fire | Jan 31 2010, 06:57 AM Post #9 |
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Twisted Fate ~when things don't go the way it should~
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@Mira: the last conversion was like a play because the conversation was the important thing, not the action. ^~^ -------------------------------------------------------------------- ===Ch3: King Of The Mountains (part1)=== Trapped in a cell, Aktar began to lose hope of getting out to the big boss to save his companions. in desperation, he remembered a specific person from his past who gave him the yellow bill. Aktar took the bill out of his pocket, looking at it, he pressed it on his chest with his thump. the bill got through Aktar's chest. Aktar's 5 Ring tattoo began to glow. "huh?..my tattoos are..glowing!" he was surprised. A white ball of light flaw out of his hands. the ball of light spoke to Aktar, telling him to focus and feel his hands. Aktar did saw quiet unsure why. by then, sparks are formed and flaw around his tattoo. "i thought it would be something cool" Aktar gloom. The ball told to look out!. Aktar thought it was nothing, but as soon as he looked in-front of him, a pile of metallic objects were heading to his hand. "NOOOO!!" he covered his head. The object were hitting on the cage, because the objects were big. Aktar though of an amazing idea, he used his newly gained power to bend the cage's pipe. he used one of the bended pipes to walk because he didn't have his crutch. He walked inside the dungeon trying to find a way out to the top floor, trying not to get caught. he began to get pissed off. "WHEN DOES THIS MAZE END????" "Why don't you press on this button on the wall" the ball said. "just one thing before i do that...if this was a trap then I'm gonna sell you" Aktar except to take the risk for the sake of getting out. he pressed on the switch. a phone appeared as the wall rotated. "what's up boys" the guy said. "um..can you tell me the way to go to the top floor, i have got lost" "LOST you say" the guy got suspicious. he called the patrolling gangsters to where Aktar is. Aktar was in even more trouble then a mere maze, without his Knives and his paralyzed leg. soon, he was found by the group Destroyers. Aktar found himself in a losing situation. he didn't know what else to do beside giving up. the only thing he saw before his eyes was the end of his journey. "DON'T GIVE UP ON ME NOW...I'm your spiritual guide and won't let you die" the Ball encouraged Aktar to never give up hope. How would our Aktar get out of this sticky situation with no weapon in his possession? Can the Ball Of Light help Aktar? and How? ....To Be Continued Edited by Ice Fire, Jan 31 2010, 07:04 AM.
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| Lady Miracle | Jan 31 2010, 07:05 AM Post #10 |
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[insert something cheerful here]
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Wait, how did he get trapped? One minute, he was going on an adventure with Socen and Ari. The next he's trapped and alone. |
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| Ice Fire | Jan 31 2010, 07:11 AM Post #11 |
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Twisted Fate ~when things don't go the way it should~
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i started chapter 3 from the middle of things, to add a little suspense for the readers (in other words...keeping them interested) *thumps up*
Edited by Ice Fire, Jan 31 2010, 07:12 AM.
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| Lady Miracle | Jan 31 2010, 07:20 AM Post #12 |
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[insert something cheerful here]
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Ah. Retrospection. I kind of suspected it. I only touched that when I tried using flashbacks. Though I always changed between scenes inside the same chapter in order to prevent confusion... But I do so love that one method. ^.^ |
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| Ice Fire | Jan 31 2010, 07:39 AM Post #13 |
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Twisted Fate ~when things don't go the way it should~
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who doesn't love a little suspense. though with that method, i have created a pit for myself because the flash backs would be the problem. |
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| Ice Fire | Feb 2 2010, 10:32 AM Post #14 |
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Twisted Fate ~when things don't go the way it should~
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===Ch3: King Of The Mountains (part2)=== The Ball of Light shined brightly surrounding Aktar, disappearing. when The Ball was out of sight, surprisingly, Aktar had got new gears which consist of two metallic gloves, two metallic shoes and a thunder blade with ironic grip. Aktar raised his hand, scanning his new look and gears. Aktar :"Cool i guess" Aktar doubted that this would help him, since iron is heavy, it was hindering and slowing his movement. The Destroyers smirked at Aktar making fun of him. they take out their shotguns and flamethrowers. Aktar felt unsafe and starting to lose hope in surviving after receiving the new gears. The Ball : "Use your brain a little...you can move Metallic things so....MOVE YOURSELF!!" Aktar : "i don't know how to use this power yet!!" The Destroyer's leader and his team were listening to that short conversation, feeling more and more bored. "Can we attack now?" he asked because he is starting to lose his patient. The Ball decided to help Aktar just this time since he is powerless, it controlled Aktar's power and left him up, passing the enemy. The Ball didn't take Aktar away, rather returning back and kidnapping one of the bad guys to show them the exit. With the help of one of their own guys, Aktar was able to levitate out of the maze-like dungeon. seeing the mansion that he was at before he got separated from Ari and Socen. feeling the need to save them from the big boss, he headed toward a window that was on the third floor. Aktar : "hmmm,,,,that's too high!" Aktar levitate up to the window, after peeking inside, he saw Ari with that guy with the purple hair who invited Ari to his room when they were caught on their entering to take rest in the mansion. Aktar broke the window and heading straight, kicking the guy out of his room. the door was bashed out to the guy's father's room. Ari looked at Aktar telling him that they were just drinking tea. Aktar was kinda embarrassed because it was suppose to be a saving scene. In most cases, he got inside the father's room (AKA Big Boss) with Ari, to rescue Socen. rushing in, he saw Socen being miss treated. getting angry, he attacked Big Boss and grabbing Socen then levitating back away. Aktar handed Socen to Ari. Aktar looked at Big Boss, facing him. Aktar : "your going down..BOSS!" Big Boss : "you think that YOU..a mere kid can STOP me!" Big Boss laughed insanely. crossing his hands, he started to turn into a big red beast with two wolf's heads. Aktar attacked with his Blade at Beast B.Boss, but it had no effect and no scratch at all. Beast B.Boss : "IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE GOT...STUPID CHILD" Beast B.Boss gave Aktar his Supreme Punch. Aktar got thrown away back to the wall with critical injuries, his left arm got the most damage. Aktar felt that he can't use his left arm anymore. Beast B.Boss came to execute his final blow. he inhale a big amount of air, putting his two fingers on his lips in V-shape. he exhale that in between his fingers, creating a strong pressure and causing a flame. Aktar & Ari : "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Lucky to them, Beast B.Boss's son stepped in, raising his barrier which was coming from his 5 Rings Tattoo on his neck, saving his suppose-to-be enemy from his father's ruthless attack. While he was holding the flames, he casts one of his other holy spell, Teleporting Aktar and Co. out the mansion, in a spot in the mountain near a forest. Getting out of such a situation, losing and two of the group are injured plus being teleported to a forest. What does Ari gonna do with the injured Aktar & Socen? Will Aktar get even more weaker then the first time? can Aktar actually fight without using both of his left Arm & Leg? ...To Be Continue (( Somehow...i have a feeling that I'm trying to kill my Main character Aktar, rather than helping him with his goals  ))
Edited by Ice Fire, Feb 2 2010, 10:36 AM.
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