Need a Crit? (Questions/Old Topic)

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Need a Crit? (Questions/Old Topic); Ask the Red Pens Club!
Tweet Topic Started: Dec 19 2009, 12:39 AM (2,628 Views)
Katsuko	Dec 19 2009, 12:39 AM Post #1
Sandopolis Act 1 Posts: 1,687 Group: S Rank Hero Member #1,933 Joined: August 14, 2007 Gender: Male	Welcome to... The Red Pens Club Brought to you by the Writers' Realm. What This Topic's For So you've written your novel. Everything's almost perfect—the characters are real, the prose sings, and the plot would make Shakespeare blush with shame. But, you just don't quite know how to end it, and you're unsure of the wording in this one spot, and... is that spelled right? Your fellow writers are ready to help. Just post a link to your piece here along with a description of what kind of help you need. It can be anything—style, spelling, characterization, "just tell me what you think." Say it, I'll put you in the roster, and help will come. All kinds of writing, including poetry, are welcome. Please note: This is a project for all SB readers. If you attend this forum and know anything about writing, you're eligible to help one of these guys out. There are no specific editors, no appointed masters of red ink—just the usual, helpful SB community. Remember, for this to work, we all need to pitch in. Rules Rules of Etiquette EDITORS, be nice. Point out specifically what's wrong with the writing, answer what the author asks and stop there. Do not make non-specific judgment calls (this is crappy/bad/etc). If a writer responds inappropriately, don't defend yourself—talk to me about it, and I'll deal with it. WRITERS, if an editor isn't nice, do not respond. Shoot me or Bliz or TUC a PM. We'll discuss the situation and take appropriate action. If I'm the one not being nice, talk to me about it. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, and if I do, I want to make it right. Please note: If reviews and/or responses get flamy, WR leaders can warn ya for breaking board rule 6 ~<3 How This Works / Technical Rules Anyone may post any piece to the roster and ask for any kind of help provided that the submission follows SB's board-rules, as well as the following regulations: There will never be more than 5 pieces on the roster at any time. Sorry, but requests lower down will have to wait for an open space. This will keep the list short and simple, and hopefully critics won't feel overwhelmed. Pieces may be no longer than 3,000 words. Obviously our critics can't be expected to deal with 500-page novels; you'll have to submit longer works in small packages, one at a time. One Piece per person (If the roster is full) Because of the limited space and our editors' limited time, please wait until one of your submissions recieves a response to submit a second to the waiting list. You may swap a submission for another at any time. The "scratch my back policy" You may have read about this rule here. But, I've decided not to implement it—yet. Understand that it's a possibility, however, if people don't pitch in. Post in this topic when you edit a piece This will help me to keep up with the roster, and it will also let me keep a check on review quality control. No one's losing their space on the queue because of a "this was cool!" review ;3 The Roster 1. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590470/2/Parallel_Sonic_06 (Request Made: July 21) Quote: This is the second part, I'd like to know if I've gotten personalities right and fixed up some weirdness in the original 06 plot. 2. 3. 4. 5. Note: Please keep reviews to the individual fiction threads. When you do a review, however, please note that you have in this topic, leaving a link to the thread where you left the review. This will produce minimal clutter in this topic while keeping us up to date on what has and what has not been critiqued. Edited by Katsuko, Oct 2 2010, 11:32 AM.
	<3 All you need is love <3


~~Otaku Clause~~	Dec 19 2009, 10:12 PM Post #2
Santa's Little Helper Posts: 1,469 Group: Continue? Member #4,434 Joined: December 19, 2007	Gear Point Chapter Ten I'd like to hear your opinion about the realism of Steel's armor-like fur, like if it would really function as well as I wrote it would in this chapter. I'd also like a critique of the fight itself as well as suggestions about how these metal powers could be used to Steel's advantage in the future.



Katsuko	Dec 20 2009, 03:28 AM Post #3
Sandopolis Act 1 Posts: 1,687 Group: S Rank Hero Member #1,933 Joined: August 14, 2007 Gender: Male	Quote: I'd like to hear your opinion about the realism of Steel's armor-like fur, like if it would really function as well as I wrote it would in this chapter. It seems fine to me. I believed it. My only complaint about the powers has to do with its similarity to another famous character's—Gaara of the sand, from Naruto. After all, the steel and the sand both act as offensive armor, both have limited supplies, creating the weakness you explored, both involve "let's grow spikes out of the ground" type attacks, and both hide someone who's weak without his powers. If you want Steel's powers to stick out as memorable, I'd think about how to give them a unique twist—something colorful and creative to separate it from other "armor that attacks" models. Quote: I'd also like a critique of the fight itself 1) Your paragraphs are way too long, and you often have several people speaking inside them. Make your paragraphs short by separating ideas and pieces of dialogue, and you'll have done your reader a huge service. 2) Cut all unnecessary words. Clutter's cancer. Especially avoid adverbs (narrowly, quickly, actually) and clarifying beats (she said, she commented, she muttered). All these can usually go without saying, and when they can't, you can convey their meaning with a stronger verb (run quickly = sprint, annoyedly comment = groan, etc). Know what you want to say, and then say it with as few words as you can. 3) Interject more of your character into the narration. There are two kinds of third person—3rd Objective/Omniscient, and 3rd Personal. Let me give you an example of each. 3rd Objective/omniscient "It was three O'Clock in the morning and Sarah was late to work. She'd slept late, lost her keys, and when she was tardy to Mr. Howitzer's Dress shop, he'd be peevish, to say the least." 3rd personal. "Late to work again... Of course. And all because of those damn keys. Sarah'd left them in her pocket, exactly where she'd never think to look. 'Course, none of that would've mattered if she'd just set that goddam alarm... Well, she'd pay for her sins—just as soon as she got to Mr. Howitzer's dress shop. He'd tell her what-for, then... The bastard." See how one looks down from the sky, and one looks out from inside the character's head? You want to go for the second style, because it allows the narration to do more work. It doesn't just progress the story; it also develops the character by giving the reader insight into how she feels and why. 4) Write in short sentences, cut down on description, and use all your tools! That means dashes, semicolons, elipses and especially periods. In a fight, you want things to move fast—dashes do that. Short sentences do that. Your reader can process them faster. Bam, bam, bam! Subject, verb, next sentence. It just gets things out in fewer words than if you slowly and painstakingly describe every clarifying and coloring detail with three adjectives strung along in order to give the exact idea of that which you are endeavoring to describe to your reader. That doesn't mean you shouldn't describe, of course. But do it sparingly. When you use 1 adjective instead of 7, that one adjective becomes a lot stronger. sketch your scene, and leave the detail work to your reader's imagination. TL;DR: Write from the perspective of your character, not a narrator. Cut all unnecessary words. Describe sparingly, and note only important details. If you do all this, your fight scenes will be clearer and faster, and as they're cool already, that will make for some awesome action. Quote: I'd also like a critique of the fight itself as well as suggestions about how these metal powers could be used to Steel's advantage in the future. You know, I don't know. I'll leave this to future critics. I'm going to keep you on the roster for now, mainly because nobody's waiting for an open spot. Hope I helped~ Edited by Katsuko, Dec 20 2009, 03:36 AM.
	<3 All you need is love <3


Bang	Dec 20 2009, 06:42 AM Post #4
He-ho Posts: 1,406 Group: A Rank Hero Member #10,386 Joined: October 2, 2009	Can you critique the Prologue of Sector0
	Quotes If I sit like a normal person my investigative abilities would be half as effective. L (Death Note) If i get reincarnated.... i wanna become a clam. Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece) 98% of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature


Frostbite	Dec 20 2009, 07:31 AM Post #5
My mirrors reflect your fate Posts: 286 Group: B Rank Guardian Member #10,589 Joined: December 13, 2009	May I get a critique of the prologue to The Girl Who Never Opens Her Eyes? Please be 100% honest in your responses, but don't act like a jerk, please? Thanks a bunch.
	Just like the pied piper, Led rats through the streets, We dance like marionettes, Swaying to the symphony, Swaying to the symphony of destruction. Megadeth --Countdown to Extinction, circa-1992


Katsuko	Dec 20 2009, 09:18 PM Post #6
Sandopolis Act 1 Posts: 1,687 Group: S Rank Hero Member #1,933 Joined: August 14, 2007 Gender: Male	I'll get to you as soon as I can, CD8. Sleeping Ruler, you've linked to an entire 8-page roleplay. Remember, submissions need to be less than 3,000 words, and it's helpful if you give us a hint of what you need help with. Would you like a review of just the prologue to the rp? edit: Thanks x3 Edited by Katsuko, Dec 21 2009, 08:06 AM.
	<3 All you need is love <3


Frostbite	Dec 20 2009, 10:21 PM Post #7
My mirrors reflect your fate Posts: 286 Group: B Rank Guardian Member #10,589 Joined: December 13, 2009	Oops. Sorry, I didn't know. I said that I just wanted a critique of the prologue of my RP, that's all. I apologize in advance if I didn't specify properly.
	Just like the pied piper, Led rats through the streets, We dance like marionettes, Swaying to the symphony, Swaying to the symphony of destruction. Megadeth --Countdown to Extinction, circa-1992


D-Metal X	Dec 20 2009, 10:38 PM Post #8
TIME TO REALLY EXPLODE! Posts: 1,354 Group: A Rank Hero Member #9,196 Joined: July 13, 2008 Playstation Network ID: MSX8976 Xbox Live Gamertag: MetalSyX	CDB Dec 20 2009, 06:42 AM Can you critique the Prologue of Sector0 The number one thing I have to say is that you should keep all verbs in the same tense. Although, the only problem I see with that is in the first sentence: “Shadow walks around the outskirts of Station Square thinking about a dream he's been having lately.” I would change that to the past tense, as for one, it happened in the past and two, it would match the rest of the story. As for the rest, your piece’s formatting is a bit off, in terms of spacing between paragraphs and between ellipses. You could use some better punctuation in most sentences. Don't be afraid to use commas. As far as word choice and sentence structure is concerned, you have many fragments that could easily be combined into one sentence. An example: Quote: A blast of smoke came out the pod's door as it opened. Shadow brushed the smoke away trying to get a better view of what was inside. “As the pod’s door opened, a large cloud of smoke poured out; Shadow brushed it away, trying to view the inside of the damaged vehicle.” is but one example of how you could change that sentence. It’s subjective, no doubt, but combining your sentences will make your story look cleaner, and better as a whole. Do not be afraid to use the semicolon; it’s a clutch punctuation mark. Another nitpick is your lack of detail in describing things. For example: Quote: It involved a female hedgehog, who looked a lot like Maria but she had black hair. This sentence is slightly confusing. I'm assuming you mean a hedgehog with a hairstyle like Maria Robotnik? Or maybe you mean a hedgehog named Maria? A little more detail would provide clarification. ^^; I’ll let the other critics help you with the rest. ^^; Edited by D-Metal X, Dec 20 2009, 10:42 PM.
	::DeviantART::MoDCast:: American Representative of the Shack Council


Bang	Dec 21 2009, 08:28 AM Post #9
He-ho Posts: 1,406 Group: A Rank Hero Member #10,386 Joined: October 2, 2009	Hm...I figured I had some problems...Thanks D'MetalX
	Quotes If I sit like a normal person my investigative abilities would be half as effective. L (Death Note) If i get reincarnated.... i wanna become a clam. Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece) 98% of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature


Phoenix-Saturn	Dec 21 2009, 03:01 PM Post #10
i just wwant to be beautiful for this one month Posts: 7,528 Group: A Rank Legend Member #10,191 Joined: July 27, 2009	http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590470/1/Parallel_Sonic_06 There is a topic on this site for it, however, this is part one and is about 2500 words, instead of 10000 the full thing as of now is. ~~I'd like characterization criticism, especially for the fancharacters, and anything else in general you can improve.~~ EDIT: Nevermind, just give me general criticism for this part, next part I will ask for characterization criticism. Quote: May I get a critique of the prologue to The Girl Who Never Opens Her Eyes? Please be 100% honest in your responses, but don't act like a jerk, please? Thanks a bunch. Hmm. Well, first thing, while detail is good, too much can make the piece of writing seem ostentatious or distract the reader. Second, not all people are amazing with unusual vocabulary, and that may also distract the reader from the point of your story. My personal rule is to only use flowery vocabulary if it is the aboslute best choice in the particular circumstance. In this case, some rarely used vocabulary is fitting because of the setting, but I found I began skimming because I wanted to get to the point and the vocabulary began to feel like padding. Otherwise, I like the concept, and would have joined this roleplay if I had a suitable character and knew about it when it was still young. Cheers, P_S. Edited by Phoenix-Saturn, Dec 21 2009, 03:13 PM.
	i'm actually really sorry bout this unfashionably late as alwways I... Am... THE WEREHOG SUPPORTER! MUHAHAHAHA! Howl


Lady BlizShadow	Dec 22 2009, 09:53 PM Post #11
I still can't use this. Posts: 6,546 Group: Former Monarchs Member #6,722 Joined: March 16, 2008	I've decided to review your prologue, SleepingRuler, and what I noticed first was your actual formatting. Each piece of dialogue should start on its own line when multiple characters are talking. However, if you have only one speaker, you can combine dialogue fragments so long as the paragraphs express the same idea. For example: Her hands were so soft and beautiful, as if they were sculpted by the very hands of Michelangelo himself, and her feet, as frail and gentle as the skin of a baby's, she was carven in the perfect image of hatred. "Perfect," the creature hissed. "All is perfect now. All that is left is her eyes." Also, frame your settings; They're absolutely necessary for proper description. You start this piece by telling us we're in the Nether Regions. Well, where is that exactly, and what does it look like? Is it in a mountain range, a long-lost Asiatic temple, the ice caps, a blank spatial dimension? You've left the reader in the dark as to where the events truly take place and thus confused them. And finally, strive for brevity and clarity; Cut out everything that's unnecessary to the ideas being put forth and make sure every idea makes sense. One example is your overuse of adjectives. When describing the creature, the pool, and the girl, you bombard the reader with series' of adjectives, making the sentences long, choppy, and burdensome to read. Try to space description across a series of strong, brief sentences. If I were to try to describe that dead pool of yours, I might type up this: He dipped his hands into a black pool overflowing with white and gray spirits. They swam and contorted in the desolate waters, their suffering proving very delightful to their viewer. Another example is the use of "he said" or any of its variations such as "spoke," "hissed," "saying," etc. When a reader comes across dialogue, they're automatically aware that a character is speaking; No need to repeat yourself. Use it only when needed such as when you're suddenly introducing a new speaker or indicating that a character's speech isn't distinct. Well-p, that's all I was able to personally gather. Hopefully I came across as helpful. x3;;
	Because staff made me do it. =P Art Topic ~ Drawing Tutorial ~ The Seven Chaos Forum


Frostbite	Dec 22 2009, 10:11 PM Post #12
My mirrors reflect your fate Posts: 286 Group: B Rank Guardian Member #10,589 Joined: December 13, 2009	Thanks a lot. I like both, and I thank you both for giving an honest critique of my prologue. I think Blitz's was better, in my opinion. Both of you came across of being helpful.
	Just like the pied piper, Led rats through the streets, We dance like marionettes, Swaying to the symphony, Swaying to the symphony of destruction. Megadeth --Countdown to Extinction, circa-1992


Katsuko	Dec 23 2009, 09:53 AM Post #13
Sandopolis Act 1 Posts: 1,687 Group: S Rank Hero Member #1,933 Joined: August 14, 2007 Gender: Male	Eleven Ladies: That prologue is superb. The narration engages the reader; the description colors but doesn't distract; even the characters manage to generate some pathos, and when you consider how I feel about Sonic characters, that is saying something. The only consistent problem I notice is that you use adverbs a lot, and they aren't necessary. "while deliberately pausing..." "standing dangerously close..." "was immediately drowned..." Stephen King writes that "the road to Hell is paved in adverbs," and William Zinsser explains why: "Don’t tell us that the radio blared loudly – blare connotes loudness. Again and again in careless writing strong verbs are weakened by redundant adverbs." In other words, you can eliminate 99% of adverbs by finding a more specific verb... And even when you can't, the adverb is still usually obvious thanks to context. For example, when people are surprised by the fire raining out of the sky, you don't need to explain that it "suddenly fell." The suddenness is obvious because of the people's suprise. edit: While you paragraphed appropriately in the link you posted, the same cannot be said about your topic on SB. Take the time to fix spacing issues there; how the writing looks before the read often determines whether it's read at all. Otherwise, all your mistakes are individual and minor. Great job Edited by Katsuko, Dec 23 2009, 10:28 AM.
	<3 All you need is love <3


Sinistar	Feb 1 2010, 02:43 PM Post #14
Marble Garden Act 1 Posts: 140 Group: B Rank Adventurer Member #9,808 Joined: March 1, 2009 Gender: Male Xbox Live Gamertag: Huntchez Steam ID: Huntchez	I need a crit for Smoke and I's Metallic Menace Sequal since no one seems to want to commit on it D: http://sonicblast.org/topic/7182435/ - Metallic Menace & The Rise of Ashura
	Nobius Chronicles This will be renamed to Halfbreed Inflictions when I get the ability to do so. Comment and tell me what needs improvement. I want to become a professional writer when I goto college! Fan Character Profiles for my Nobius Chronicles series: Spoiler: click to toggle Hylin Cyclone Ironfang The Hlafbreed [X] M Tira Highfrost the Mountain Wolf [] S Tova Highfrost the Mountain Wolf [] M Amber the (Lunar) Wolf [] M Hrolleif Ironfang the 3rd [] S Miranda Tumbleweed Raccoon [] S Katrina Tumbleweed Raccoon [X] (Will be Reworking) M Scarlet the Red Cheetah [] S Sapphire Fox [] S Tristina the Falcon [] S Amethyst the Cobra [] S Henry Bluejay [] S Destiny the 3rd [] S Travis the Cheetah [X] (Will be reworking) S The Shadowed One [] M Leona the White Tiger [] S Meralza the Exiled [] S Nocturne the White Panther [X] S Diana the Bat [] S Dynelos the Exiled [] S Ironfang the Remorseless [] M Drugge the Moose [] S Kane the Echidna [X] M = Main Character S = Support Character Profiles will be made BEFORE they make their introduction in the story unless they were already presented in Chapter 1.. I am Sinistar! Beware, I live!


Lord English	Feb 2 2010, 07:56 PM Post #15
Sandopolis Act 2 Posts: 2,066 Group: S Rank Hero Member #10,696 Joined: January 19, 2010	I need a crit since nobody seems to want to comment on it http://sonicblast.org/topic/7181597/1/#new Also, could you focus on story rather than grammar and spelling? Because it is supposed to be like a journal. Edited by Lord English, Feb 3 2010, 06:11 AM.



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