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- Madman's Ambition
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| Madman's Ambition; The story of Sarux | |
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| Topic Started: Jul 21 2008, 04:02 PM (73 Views) | |
| Nirguris Vikaile | Jul 21 2008, 04:02 PM Post #1 |
The generator X! Shoot the generator!
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(Note: This was meant to be part of his character profile, but got so huge that I turned it into a story.) Sarux’s story takes place many years ago. During this time, man had only just evolved past the time of tribes, and had begun to build cities. It was during this time that Dr. Verne Uramal, one of the first scientists at the time, was out on an exploration mission to discover new secrets about this world. While searching for hours on end, he eventually found a mysterious rock embedded into the ground. After spending a long time digging it up, the sight that he saw was fascinating. The rock was red, not just a regular red, but crimson-red. He stared at it for a while, and eventually turned to return to his home. It was quite the trek, but once he got there he felt relieved. He lived in quite the rich-type of housing, as he has discovered many a life changing secret, to better the world the people live in, he was a very successful man. Overnight, he had placed this ‘rock’ next to his bed, so that he would awake to its ominous glow. All it took was one night… one night for him to go mad. He awoke to a sudden need for the bathroom, and once he finished his “business”, he realized something was different. The rock, that was once red had changed, it had grown overnight, and had changed into a purple color. He could not figure out the meaning of this, and so he decided to investigate these strange happenings. He went down into an underground room, his hidden laboratory, where he performed various experiments upon the rock. Every time he thought he had discovered something, only to realize it lead to a dead end. He kept on looking, looking for an answer to what had happened. It took only a week before this small rock consumed his life, and he eventually stopped caring for anything else in the world, even to eat. It took years, but eventually Verne discovered the secret, the rock itself was alive. Over time, the rock had grown as the doctor studied it and performed experiments, day by day. At this time, the rock had taken the shape of what looked like a person. For what seemed like eons, this “thing” did nothing, not even a flicker of movement from its appendages. Consumed with despair, the doctor gave up hope of finding out just what this thing was. It was then, that everything became clear. Verne had noticed a very peculiar point sticking out of the creature’s chest; it looked like a shard of some kind. After examining it closer, he discovered that it was a remnant of the rock that he had found, that hadn’t developed into the creature yet. He couldn’t resist himself, he had to touch it, and that is exactly what he did. Not even a second after placing his old finger on the shard, he was shot back by an unknown force. When he gathered enough energy to look up, he could see what happened, the creature had begun to move. The creature did not seem to stop staring at him, almost like it had nothing better to do. The doctor tried to make it talk, but all it could do was continue to stare at him with its cold gaze. Verne reached his hand out to the creature, and it followed suit. The creature touched his hand, and the doctor was surprised, not just by the shiver going down his spine, but also by the fact that it had copied his action. “Do you have a name?” He had asked the creature several times, but it didn’t respond. “I’ll give you one… Sarux.” “Sa…rux,” the creature had finally spoken, it’s voice deep, and mimicking the doctor’s own voice tone. “My… name?” It asked the doctor. It was then that Sarux got up and stood before the doctor, his posture slightly slouched, as this was his first movement he ever made. “Yes, that is your name, friend.” The doctor replied. “My name is Verne Uramal, and I am your creator.” He said as he took a closer look at the detail on the creature’s body. The creature had all the necessary things a human would have, arms, legs, and a head. But he knew it wasn’t human, as the creature stood taller than the average human would, standing at about 7’ 3”. The creature’s arms hung down to its knees, and its legs made up about a 1/3 of its total height. “You truly are a magnificent creature, but what are you?” The doctor asked in amazement. “…” The creature replied; it had no knowledge of what the doctor was asking. “…I see. I must show you to this world.” The doctor said to Sarux. His smile turned to a frown however when he realized what would happen. “No… the people would never accept you, you’re not of their kind. I must keep you safe… and hidden.” He said in a sad tone. He then motioned for Sarux to go back and lay down on the metal table he had been sleeping on before. The creature followed his request obediently and went to the table “Please… you must rest. When you wake, I will have a surprise for you.” He said with a sadistic grin before Sarux closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Please critique and comment. I think it's okay for a first-timer. Could be better, though. Thanks for reading! (If you got to this point that is, heh.) |
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Sonic Revolution RP Forums (Owned by Cap) Character Redesign Project <-Click Super Smash Bros. Brawl Friend Code: 0602-5954-6914 Friends: Spoiler: click to toggle Characters: Spoiler: click to toggle OC Status: Spoiler: click to toggle   Ware wa messiah nari! Hahahahaha! ^Sorry, just had to put that in my sig. Awesome character. Awesome Quote. | |
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| Deleted User | Jul 21 2008, 07:02 PM Post #2 |
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Deleted User
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There's nothing to hate about this. It's a great Fan Fiction. |
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| Nirguris Vikaile | Jul 21 2008, 07:33 PM Post #3 |
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The generator X! Shoot the generator!
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I don't hate it. I just say that I think I could've done better. |
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Sonic Revolution RP Forums (Owned by Cap) Character Redesign Project <-Click Super Smash Bros. Brawl Friend Code: 0602-5954-6914 Friends: Spoiler: click to toggle Characters: Spoiler: click to toggle OC Status: Spoiler: click to toggle Ware wa messiah nari! Hahahahaha! ^Sorry, just had to put that in my sig. Awesome character. Awesome Quote. | |
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| Tux Coyote | Jul 22 2008, 05:33 PM Post #4 |
Re-amped. WATCH OUT NOW.
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Not a bad profile-gone-story here, but there were a few things that were missing from here. Only suggestions, mind you, optional. --You could have explained a bit more on the rock's history. Perhaps a short cutscene/flashback as to who found it before and how it got to the place where the doctor found it. --There are other words you could have use to replace the ones you've used already. Like the part where you inserted the elipse for Sarux as he replied, you could have said that "it replied in silence" or whatever fits you. --There were some punctuation marks that needed to be put and (very few) to be taken out. Sorry I didn't take the time to go over and point out the spots, but I'm positive you can find them. Guess that's it from me there. Other than that, not a bad start. Keep it up and your story will come to fruition. |
CHARACTER BIOS FOR ART<--CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT TYPE OF PEOPLE I'VE MADE FOR THE SERIES.
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| Nirguris Vikaile | Jul 22 2008, 07:03 PM Post #5 |
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The generator X! Shoot the generator!
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I'm gonna work on it later and see if I can update within the week. And thank you for that critique, Tux. That ended up being better then I expected. |
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Sonic Revolution RP Forums (Owned by Cap) Character Redesign Project <-Click Super Smash Bros. Brawl Friend Code: 0602-5954-6914 Friends: Spoiler: click to toggle Characters: Spoiler: click to toggle OC Status: Spoiler: click to toggle Ware wa messiah nari! Hahahahaha! ^Sorry, just had to put that in my sig. Awesome character. Awesome Quote. | |
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