Feb 24
SCOTT PILGRIM MONTH
IT HAS RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE.
This March, receive your free Sex Bob-Omb t-shirt by signing up to participate in Scott Pilgrim Month! (Note: Sex Bob-Omb t-shirt may not ship until hell freezes over or Scott gets a clue or Wallace stops turning people gay.)
RESERVATIONS:
Scott Pilgrim - Devlin
Ramona Flowers - Pianta
Kim Pine - Kammy
Wallace Wells - Kale
Other Scott - Fish
Nega Scott - Crono (Kunai)
Jul 4
Disgaea Month!
This August, I'm hosting a Disgaea month. After all, someone needs to offer some competition to the theme month industry, lest the theme month moguls maintain their monopoly until the end of time.
So come sign up if you like my month better than whatever one the other guy is offering and I'll just put your name and the character you want down in a handy little list, mmmkay?
Valvatorez - Virgil
Fenrich - TWOS
Axel - Pedruben
Raspberyl - Pianta
Mao - Star
Mar 6
STUFFS
I think that my entire life, I've always had some person, ideal or concept that I based my life around. I would always have to justify what I'm doing by asking myself, "Would she like this?" or "Does this mesh with the values I've chosen to follow?" My entire life would be dictated by what I thought the person or value of my obsession would think about my actions.
I've recently abolished one such obsession, one person that is no longer my obsession, and merely a friend. I would always justify what I was doing by asking myself, "What would she think of this?" Everything I did would be dealt as I thought she would like them to be dealt with, and everything I did would somehow have to be justified as being for her sake.
I did this a few days ago.
Today I realized it was the first time I had ever done so. The first time I had truly been free of any self-impressed expectations and restrictions. I am free, or as close as I can be, from living my life for someone else. I think I've discovered who I really am, which is something I never really knew since I always lived by someone or something else, and more or less imitated them.
And perhaps, one of these days, I will find someone who is not only deserving of such devotion (not to say the "she" mentioned above isn't), but who can observe them, and reciprocate. But, the difference is, I will still be who I am at heart. I am who I am, and now that I know who I am, I must remain myself.
Mar 3
Things I'm writing.
Writing a lot lately. Here are my current projects:
Spelunca Universi Oculo - Horror - Before you ask, yes, I did go by the rule of Latin Sounds Cool in naming this.Anyways, the story itself is about a cave and those who have dared to explore it. I'm afraid that's all there is to say without spoiling the whole thing.
Currently at 1,210 words.
Comatose - Romance/ Mystery - That title is only a working title and is subject to possible change. This is the story of a young man, Jean, who has internal conflicts regarding a girl. One day, he is in a disastrous car accident which puts him in a coma for 15 years. His being kept alive was due to the funding of a mysterious benefactor who has only been known to Jean as Penelope. After he awakes, he seeks to find what became of the girl he loved, and who Penelope is and what her motives are.
Currently at 1,597 words.
A Part Time Apartheid - Historical Fiction - It is worth mentioning three things about this one: one, the name is again just a working title; two, the story came about after receiving a World Geography assignment to write a short half-page narrative about what life was like in South Africa in the 80s from the point of view of a segregated black 15 year old. It was to be one day, beginning to end. Three, it is not entirely planned out yet.
The premise is as stated above: a 15 year old black citizen of South Africa endures the hardships of Apartheid while trying to support his mother and younger brother.
Current word count unknown due to it being only on paper and not in Microsoft Word.
My Compendium of Political Common Sense - Nonfiction Political - This is just a huge collection of various thoughts and opinions regarding the state of the US, and why we're for whatever reason giving serious issues no thought, and ignoring the solutions that are staring us right in the face.
Currently at 1,431 words.
... I am so bogged down with things to write... Dx
Feb 25
Oh boy, an update? Of what, though, Kale?
Good question, title. Don't know if you could call this an update. As of typing out these letters, I still don't have a clue as to this post's intentions. But dammit, I felt it was necessary to post a blog for some reason so I better damn well do it!
So, like. There's this girl, that I really like. And, like, since last week, I've been trying to... tell her about that, I guess. It started with Valentine's Day (yeah, I know... xD). Well, it sort of started the night before. I sort of was all of a sudden like "Holy shit, what if I had a week to live. What would I do to make my remaining time worth it?" The thought of telling her crossed my mind first, of course. No real plans were set in motion though.
Okay, back to Valentines Day. So like, every year my dad gets me some chocolate thing or something for V-Day. Got me this heart-shaped Reeses (however you spell it) peanut butter cup thing, this year. That morning, after he gave it to me, before we went to school, I felt... as if I didn't want it. I didn't want it. But I knew I'd rather someone else have it. Of course, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who I'd rather have it: the aforementioned female for whom I have feelings.
Well, that didn't quite turn out the way I wanted it to. Yeah, I DID end up giving it to her that day, but it was like, under the wrong context. Here's what happened:
Me: Hey, I don't want this. Do you want it?
Her: Oh, sure.
I of course should have just given it to her and said it was for Valentines, but NOOOOOOOOOOOO, I had to chicken out at the last minute and fuck up the context.
Anyways, moving on. I was kind of disappointed in myself after that, and that night, with the help of some very supportive and motivational friends of mine, I wrote a letter to her. It was a letter that was addressed to myself, but of course was to be given to her. By that I mean, it was like a letter to myself, that she would be allowed to see. Of course, I did this because I realized that all the things I wanted to say about her, I could never say TO her. The first thing that popped into my mind was to say it to myself, and give a recording of that to her.
Well, yeah, that went somewhat off as well. I gave it to her, yeah. She read it, yeah. I was expecting either a really bad reaction or a really good reaction, but I couldn't quite place her actual reaction under either category. She smiled only after she finished reading it. I think she said, "Thank you," but it was very quiet, and there were other people talking around us, oblivious to how monumental this moment was to me. She gave it back to me. I gave it back to her and told her to keep it. And then things between us returned to the way they had always been: friends as always, as if it had never happened at all.
So I debated with myself for over a week what to do next... should I give up on trying to tell her? Should I give up my feelings? Should I tell her in a way that is sure to get me a concrete answer? Well, I finally decided Wednesday night that I was going to do that last one. Well, I had "finally decided" it about a week before, but I never actually gathered the balls to do it.
And then, come Thursday, and I didn't do it. I was too nervous, too scared, too chicken to ask. I had made those aforementioned supportive and motivational friends of mine promise me that if I didn't do it, they were to shun me until I did. I was surprised and disappointed to find that even that incentive wasn't enough to get me to do it Thursday... the opportunities came and went, unseized, and I felt terrible. Really, really terrible.
Of course, I had to do it the next day. If I didn't, I'd feel terrible ALL WEEKEND.
Well, the next day from there is today. So, let me tell you how today went:
The main time I see her (really, the only time except lunch every other day), breakfast before school really starts, was over, and they had to walk to their classes. Well, I was in a class that unless the weather was right, we stayed inside the cafeteria, so I decided I'd walk with them (by them I mean her and our friends) out to their classes and circle back to the cafeteria before the bell rang. So we'd finally lost everyone in our little group except for me and her.
And then I did it.
"Hey, if I don't ask you this now, my weekend will be hell. Will you go out with me?"
Only in retrospect am I realizing that something in the almost... nervous way that she responded satisfied some part of me. I don't know, but it seemed... cute. Pleasing, in some way. Of course, that wasn't really the words, but the nonverbal things.
In words, she said that she didn't think she was ready to start dating yet. I, for whatever reason, was tempted to say something to change her mind, to tell her, "No, I think you are ready!", but of course in more subtle terms. Thankfully, I didn't. I know damn well that I ain't gonna pressure her into anything. That's just not the kind of person I am. Hell, that's why I was trying so hard to make sure none of our friends were around when I asked, because I had a fear that maybe their witnessing it might pressure her into saying "Yes" when she really didn't mean it.
I of course said "Okay," "That's alright," whatever. Nothing in her words stung, and even if she were more blunt rather than kind in saying what she said, it wouldn't have stung. I can't explain why, it just doesn't hurt. Perhaps it's because knowing is so much better than not knowing? But the thing about knowing, is that like the heads of the Hydra, at least two more unknowns pop up at every one chopped down. For instance: when will she be ready? Why does she think she isn't ready yet? What did she mean when she said, "There are things I want to do before I start dating"?
Well, whatever the case, I think I am perfectly content with waiting. I am perfectly content. No, better than content. Content means a bare minimum, in my mind. I am happy. My life seems more interesting now, more exciting, more enjoyable, more full of... life.
I used to entertain this notion that you could either be sociable or intellectual, but never could you be both. If you were sociable, you could not be intellectual at all, and vice versa. But now, I realize that this is not only easily accomplished, but everyone does it. I used to think everyone was either smart or good with people, but no, they are all both. We are all both. Yes, I've taken my first steps in becoming more sociable, in meeting people, in enjoying their company. I've established confidence. I know I can ask when I need to ask, when I need to know.
In other news, I've been listening to a lot of two things lately: 1) Poets of the Fall, and 2) LMFAO. Aw yeah.
In other news, I'm going to watch Good Will Hunting for the first time tomorrow night. Yay.
In other news, I'm apparently obsessed with the fourth amendment and how it could be applied to some injustices I see around me.
In other news, I'm feeling very political lately, in a good way.
In other news, Rick Santorum said straight up that politics were a "team sport"? WTF?
In other news, I've been rambling on a lot lately. Like, I wrote this huge poem thing and it just goes on and on and on and rambles and shit. It's in that soul session topic, go check it out.
In other news, I fucking hate Texas's public education system. :I
In other news, I love Girl Scout Cookies, particularly Thin Mints. :3c
In other news, my dad has still not wired the internet so I can use my good computer. :I
In other news, WE HAS COKE, HELL YEAH. No, not cocaine, like, Dr. Pepper and shiz.
In other news, why are so many people who share my name assholes?
In other news, Fish is a Magikarp. xP
In other news, I'm writing this shit at midnight because I apparently have fucking nothing better to do.
In other news, I'm writing a story. The working title is Comatose. So like, this guy has a crush on this girl (the whole romance thing is based off of REAL LIFE SHIZ which I was rambling on about earlier), but then he gets in this car accident and is put in a coma for like, fifteen years. So like, some mysterious person was paying to have him kept alive for all that time, like, after his parents could no longer afford to do so. So after he wakes up, he goes to look for that girl he had a crush on, and to discover what happened while he was in the coma, and to discover who his mysterious benefactor (codenamed "Penelope") is.
In other news, wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle, yeah.
In other news, she is my Someone Special (by PotF) :3c
In other news, in the process of trying to gather the courage to ask her today, I finally found out why it is that people bite their nails when they are nervous.
In other news, I finally got some new jeans the other day. I've only had two pairs for a while now, and they were both too big... these are smaller, and they fit better.
In other news, got to play Brutal Legend for the first time today. AW, HELL YEAH, A GAME WITH JACK BLACK AND OZZY OSBOURNE AND LEMMY IN IT. I wonder if there are any more badasses in there...
In other news, it's time I cut this short. Or uh, long. I've been rambling on long enough. Might just go to sleep now. Getting a bit tired, I guess. GOOD NIGHT, WHOEVER THE HELL READS THIS. And uh, you'll probably be reading this like, not at night, even if you do read it, so, uh... MUST COVER MY DEMOGRAPHICS! GOOD NIGHT, GOOD MORNING, GOOD AFTERNOON, GOOD EVENING, GOOD DAY, GOOD LIFE!
In other news, PASTA~
Feb 6
Rant: Questions I've asked my self today.
[NOTE: I'm making this blog more or less to vent. You don't really have to answer any questions I ask in it.]
Every thing you did that I didn't get,
you'd say "You'll understand when you're older."
Well, I'm older now,
but why don't I understand?
-
Is it just me, or is it that every time I try to be serious, try to be concerned for the world, I end up coming off as an arrogant asshole? Maybe I'd be better off not worrying about things like that, and just dropping my serious side altogether. It's not really ever gotten me anywhere. But would dropping my serious side mean I can't do what I like to do so much, writing? Could I still drop it but find a way to maintain that interest? Maybe dropping a serious side, any concern for the world not immediately affected by me, would be just the same as allowing myself to become ignorant, completely aloof, and useless to the world? What exactly is the right thing to do? I've always tried so hard to do what I thought was right, but maybe what I think is right is actually wrong. Maybe right and wrong don't really mean anything. Do they? I don't know. Doing the right thing hasn't ever gotten me anywhere. Not to say I would ever do the right thing out of hopes for obtaining some reward for it, but I've never gotten anything at all to show for doing the right thing. I rarely get to see the results of doing the right thing, never see who is affected positively. Maybe that doesn't matter? Maybe I should continue trying my best regardless? Or should I stop trying so hard? Maybe this world really is the shithole everyone around me says it is, and there's no point trying to correct society or the government or humanity as a whole. Is there? What can I do? What can one man do? I can't seem to get anyone to want to join me. Every time I try to do so, they disagree, or give me some indication that I've come off too strong or assertive. Can you be too strong or assertive? Or is that just my social awkwardness shining through? Will I ever really get rid of that social awkwardness, or will it forever stay with me? I thought I was making such good progress in getting rid of it...
Where was I? I don't remember. Probably doesn't matter. Going back on things that I've already thought about that I didn't like thinking about can't be good no matter how many times I think about it.
Right?
-
You ever know that feeling, when up is down?
No?
Well, I know it too well.
Up is down,
left is right,
right is wrong,
wrong is wrong,
everything's wrong.
How do I do something right?
Have I ever done anything right?
-
Can funny exist without seriousness?
Like, how,
light cannot exist without the dark?
If I try to bury this part of me that I hate,
Would it inadvertently remove what I love?
Would I lose the ability to love?
Nov 6
Why?
Why?
Why do we have to do this?
What's the point?
Why is your say-so a good enough reason?
Why is that like it is?
How about that over there?
Why can't you give me good reasons besides "because I said so," or "because they said so," or "because that's the way it is and we just have to deal with it"?
Why?
Is it not a simple question?
Is it not merely three letters followed by a question mark?
Do you not think I'm getting sick and tired of asking questions?
Why can't you answer my questions properly if at all?
Why do we not need good reasons to do things anymore?
Can we just do whatever we want, whenever we want, wherever we want, just because we said so, or because someone else did?
Why not, according to what you've already told me?
Why am I required to do things that are completely unnecessary?
Why can't you give me good reasons to do them?
Why?
Oct 31
Kale's Hospital Misadventures
Oh hey, a blog that isn't a shitty emo rant. Looky there. |P
But yeah, those of you who've been in the Shack recently probably know a fair bit of this already, but for those who don't, or for those who want to know more, here it is. Just so I don't have to constantly reexplain it to everyone who asks. xD
I was in my car, being driven home from school on Wednesday, when I passed by a billboard that was reminding people of the emergency poison phone number. I of course then fantasized about having to tell someone this number as I was being afflicted by some poison, because I'm weird like that. My chest started hurting then, but I laughed at myself and put it off as my subconscious fucking with me.
I don't know if I had the pains for much of the afternoon, but I do remember that they returned at about 6:30 to 7:00. I figured it was just heart burn or something since I had just ate and again put it off as nothing. But it persisted for a while, much longer than heart burn should have. As I got up to get another drink in an attempt to soothe it, I told my stepmom about it. She of course started worrying, asking me other questions about how I felt. I told her I felt fine other than that. She ended up texting and calling my dad who was at work, and then assaulted me with other questions that he suggested, such as how it felt. He recommended that I take something for gas, as that was what he thought it probably was, and that my stepmom keep an eye on me.
Perhaps an hour after taking the medicine, my chest still hurt. My dad had come home at that point and they were debating whether they should wait until the morning or if they should take me to a clinic ASAP. Just as I was about to mention that my left arm was also hurting, he had decided that I was going that night. So we went, and after a bit of a wait despite the fact that almost no one else was there, I got a room and we waited for the doctors. They did what tests they had available there, such as EKGs and blood tests, and the results weren't great. A certain enzyme which I don't recall the name of happened to be elevated in my blood. This enzyme just so happens to be released from the heart when someone is having a heart attack. They doubted that someone my age could be having a heart attack, and suggested that it was perhaps an infection. They didn't rule out the former possibility however. They told us to go to the ER at the local hospital and sent the information they had gathered ahead of us. By this time, the pain in my chest seemed to have disappeared almost completely.
After a wait, I was admitted in an ER (I disliked the fact that I had to be wheeled around in a wheelchair even though I could walk perfectly fine) and had probes hooked to me so that they could see my vitals. Despite my blood pressure being higher than normal (which is really normal for me, but not normal for most other people), there were no anomalous readings. They performed more blood tests and EKGs, but could discover no more than the clinic had. They told us after a long wait (it was perhaps 3:00 in the morning at this point) that I was to be transferred to a pediatric hospital a state away in Arkansas because they didn't have the equipment nor training to deal with this sort of thing. I was hoping I would get to fly there, but they said the weather wasn't looking good so I would have to be driven there via ambulance. I was loaded up onto a stretcher (my god, that thing was uncomfortable) and put into the ambulance, where I slept through most of the ride by some miracle. I arrived at the pediatric hospital around 5:30, and my dad was driving by himself with some of my things from home, who arrived shortly after I did.
I believe they did another EKG and blood test after I got there, but then let me get some sleep so they could do more in the morning. This is where things start to jumble together and I don't recall exactly what happened. Not much of interest, really. They did some tests, diagnosed me with viral myopericarditis (inflammation of the tissue around the heart which causes chest pains and the release of that certain enzyme into the bloodstream, which is apparently the same strand of virus as the common cold except it somehow worked its way into my heart), had me stay until those enzyme levels started to return to normal, and finally released me after making sure that my heart hadn't been damaged and that it was working fine. My chest would occasionally hurt, but they had pain medicine for it, so for the most part I felt and acted like I really didn't need to be there.
So... uh, yeah. I think that's about it. I'm home now, and I don't have to go to school for a few days, because my dad has to set up an appointment with my usual pediatrician for a check up before I can return. Yay.
Oct 7
No good days
It seems to me that I can't go a single f**king day without something ruining it. My day will seem nice, nothing shitty happened, and I'll be optimistic for tomorrow and then all of a f**king sudden something always happens and I go from super positive attitude to either super f**king pissed or depressed. Every single f**king day. Every single f**king day something stupid happens and my day gets ruined.
F**k.
Sep 26
Confusion
I feel like an obese infant on an emotional tightrope. On one side, a pitch black void that will envelope my entire being if I fall in that side, causing me to never see the right I do and always the wrong. On the other side, a different void awaits me. I see all the right I do and never the wrong, and assume that everyone who says that I could even conceivably do something wrong is fucking stupid and worthless. This of course leads to loneliness that I would claim not to feel.
But when I manage to obtain an equilibrium on that tightrope, even for a short time, I am happy. I neither hate myself nor do I hate everyone else. A relatively sane time. It's very hard to keep my balance on that tightrope, but I have seen what awaits me on the other side of the chasm, and every period of balance I achieve brings me close, and gives me more hope that crossing isn't impossible. I've seen what awaits me in the people around me: they've already achieved it, as it would seem, and I've seen all the good it's done in their lives.
So on I continue, fueled by that hope.
(That wasn't really fucking melodramatic at all. Whatevs, posting it anyway. |P)
 5:04 PM Jul 24
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