Kale's Blog of Ranting and other Assorted Foolishness.

STUFFS

I think that my entire life, I've always had some person, ideal or concept that I based my life around. I would always have to justify what I'm doing by asking myself, "Would she like this?" or "Does this mesh with the values I've chosen to follow?" My entire life would be dictated by what I thought the person or value of my obsession would think about my actions.

I've recently abolished one such obsession, one person that is no longer my obsession, and merely a friend. I would always justify what I was doing by asking myself, "What would she think of this?" Everything I did would be dealt as I thought she would like them to be dealt with, and everything I did would somehow have to be justified as being for her sake.

I did this a few days ago.

Today I realized it was the first time I had ever done so. The first time I had truly been free of any self-impressed expectations and restrictions. I am free, or as close as I can be, from living my life for someone else. I think I've discovered who I really am, which is something I never really knew since I always lived by someone or something else, and more or less imitated them.

And perhaps, one of these days, I will find someone who is not only deserving of such devotion (not to say the "she" mentioned above isn't), but who can observe them, and reciprocate. But, the difference is, I will still be who I am at heart. I am who I am, and now that I know who I am, I must remain myself.

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