Feb 25
Oh boy, an update? Of what, though, Kale?
Good question, title. Don't know if you could call this an update. As of typing out these letters, I still don't have a clue as to this post's intentions. But dammit, I felt it was necessary to post a blog for some reason so I better damn well do it!
So, like. There's this girl, that I really like. And, like, since last week, I've been trying to... tell her about that, I guess. It started with Valentine's Day (yeah, I know... xD). Well, it sort of started the night before. I sort of was all of a sudden like "Holy shit, what if I had a week to live. What would I do to make my remaining time worth it?" The thought of telling her crossed my mind first, of course. No real plans were set in motion though.
Okay, back to Valentines Day. So like, every year my dad gets me some chocolate thing or something for V-Day. Got me this heart-shaped Reeses (however you spell it) peanut butter cup thing, this year. That morning, after he gave it to me, before we went to school, I felt... as if I didn't want it. I didn't want it. But I knew I'd rather someone else have it. Of course, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who I'd rather have it: the aforementioned female for whom I have feelings.
Well, that didn't quite turn out the way I wanted it to. Yeah, I DID end up giving it to her that day, but it was like, under the wrong context. Here's what happened:
Me: Hey, I don't want this. Do you want it?
Her: Oh, sure.
I of course should have just given it to her and said it was for Valentines, but NOOOOOOOOOOOO, I had to chicken out at the last minute and fuck up the context.
Anyways, moving on. I was kind of disappointed in myself after that, and that night, with the help of some very supportive and motivational friends of mine, I wrote a letter to her. It was a letter that was addressed to myself, but of course was to be given to her. By that I mean, it was like a letter to myself, that she would be allowed to see. Of course, I did this because I realized that all the things I wanted to say about her, I could never say TO her. The first thing that popped into my mind was to say it to myself, and give a recording of that to her.
Well, yeah, that went somewhat off as well. I gave it to her, yeah. She read it, yeah. I was expecting either a really bad reaction or a really good reaction, but I couldn't quite place her actual reaction under either category. She smiled only after she finished reading it. I think she said, "Thank you," but it was very quiet, and there were other people talking around us, oblivious to how monumental this moment was to me. She gave it back to me. I gave it back to her and told her to keep it. And then things between us returned to the way they had always been: friends as always, as if it had never happened at all.
So I debated with myself for over a week what to do next... should I give up on trying to tell her? Should I give up my feelings? Should I tell her in a way that is sure to get me a concrete answer? Well, I finally decided Wednesday night that I was going to do that last one. Well, I had "finally decided" it about a week before, but I never actually gathered the balls to do it.
And then, come Thursday, and I didn't do it. I was too nervous, too scared, too chicken to ask. I had made those aforementioned supportive and motivational friends of mine promise me that if I didn't do it, they were to shun me until I did. I was surprised and disappointed to find that even that incentive wasn't enough to get me to do it Thursday... the opportunities came and went, unseized, and I felt terrible. Really, really terrible.
Of course, I had to do it the next day. If I didn't, I'd feel terrible ALL WEEKEND.
Well, the next day from there is today. So, let me tell you how today went:
The main time I see her (really, the only time except lunch every other day), breakfast before school really starts, was over, and they had to walk to their classes. Well, I was in a class that unless the weather was right, we stayed inside the cafeteria, so I decided I'd walk with them (by them I mean her and our friends) out to their classes and circle back to the cafeteria before the bell rang. So we'd finally lost everyone in our little group except for me and her.
And then I did it.
"Hey, if I don't ask you this now, my weekend will be hell. Will you go out with me?"
Only in retrospect am I realizing that something in the almost... nervous way that she responded satisfied some part of me. I don't know, but it seemed... cute. Pleasing, in some way. Of course, that wasn't really the words, but the nonverbal things.
In words, she said that she didn't think she was ready to start dating yet. I, for whatever reason, was tempted to say something to change her mind, to tell her, "No, I think you are ready!", but of course in more subtle terms. Thankfully, I didn't. I know damn well that I ain't gonna pressure her into anything. That's just not the kind of person I am. Hell, that's why I was trying so hard to make sure none of our friends were around when I asked, because I had a fear that maybe their witnessing it might pressure her into saying "Yes" when she really didn't mean it.
I of course said "Okay," "That's alright," whatever. Nothing in her words stung, and even if she were more blunt rather than kind in saying what she said, it wouldn't have stung. I can't explain why, it just doesn't hurt. Perhaps it's because knowing is so much better than not knowing? But the thing about knowing, is that like the heads of the Hydra, at least two more unknowns pop up at every one chopped down. For instance: when will she be ready? Why does she think she isn't ready yet? What did she mean when she said, "There are things I want to do before I start dating"?
Well, whatever the case, I think I am perfectly content with waiting. I am perfectly content. No, better than content. Content means a bare minimum, in my mind. I am happy. My life seems more interesting now, more exciting, more enjoyable, more full of... life.
I used to entertain this notion that you could either be sociable or intellectual, but never could you be both. If you were sociable, you could not be intellectual at all, and vice versa. But now, I realize that this is not only easily accomplished, but everyone does it. I used to think everyone was either smart or good with people, but no, they are all both. We are all both. Yes, I've taken my first steps in becoming more sociable, in meeting people, in enjoying their company. I've established confidence. I know I can ask when I need to ask, when I need to know.
In other news, I've been listening to a lot of two things lately: 1) Poets of the Fall, and 2) LMFAO. Aw yeah.
In other news, I'm going to watch Good Will Hunting for the first time tomorrow night. Yay.
In other news, I'm apparently obsessed with the fourth amendment and how it could be applied to some injustices I see around me.
In other news, I'm feeling very political lately, in a good way.
In other news, Rick Santorum said straight up that politics were a "team sport"? WTF?
In other news, I've been rambling on a lot lately. Like, I wrote this huge poem thing and it just goes on and on and on and rambles and shit. It's in that soul session topic, go check it out.
In other news, I fucking hate Texas's public education system. :I
In other news, I love Girl Scout Cookies, particularly Thin Mints. :3c
In other news, my dad has still not wired the internet so I can use my good computer. :I
In other news, WE HAS COKE, HELL YEAH. No, not cocaine, like, Dr. Pepper and shiz.
In other news, why are so many people who share my name assholes?
In other news, Fish is a Magikarp. xP
In other news, I'm writing this shit at midnight because I apparently have fucking nothing better to do.
In other news, I'm writing a story. The working title is Comatose. So like, this guy has a crush on this girl (the whole romance thing is based off of REAL LIFE SHIZ which I was rambling on about earlier), but then he gets in this car accident and is put in a coma for like, fifteen years. So like, some mysterious person was paying to have him kept alive for all that time, like, after his parents could no longer afford to do so. So after he wakes up, he goes to look for that girl he had a crush on, and to discover what happened while he was in the coma, and to discover who his mysterious benefactor (codenamed "Penelope") is.
In other news, wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle, yeah.
In other news, she is my Someone Special (by PotF) :3c
In other news, in the process of trying to gather the courage to ask her today, I finally found out why it is that people bite their nails when they are nervous.
In other news, I finally got some new jeans the other day. I've only had two pairs for a while now, and they were both too big... these are smaller, and they fit better.
In other news, got to play Brutal Legend for the first time today. AW, HELL YEAH, A GAME WITH JACK BLACK AND OZZY OSBOURNE AND LEMMY IN IT. I wonder if there are any more badasses in there...
In other news, it's time I cut this short. Or uh, long. I've been rambling on long enough. Might just go to sleep now. Getting a bit tired, I guess. GOOD NIGHT, WHOEVER THE HELL READS THIS. And uh, you'll probably be reading this like, not at night, even if you do read it, so, uh... MUST COVER MY DEMOGRAPHICS! GOOD NIGHT, GOOD MORNING, GOOD AFTERNOON, GOOD EVENING, GOOD DAY, GOOD LIFE!
In other news, PASTA~
 5:04 PM Jul 24
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